The following are just a few of the things I learned throughout my pregnancy:
- It is perfectly acceptable to blame all unflattering pictures–especially those in which you have a double chin–on bad camera angles, and that alone.
- Never pass up the opportunity to use the bathroom–even if you don’t think you have to go. You never know when the next bathroom will come along, and skipping these opportunities may lead to you seriously contemplating pulling over to the side of the road to relieve yourself in a cornfield.
- It is perfectly acceptable to groan, moan, grunt, or let out a heavy sigh every time you sit down, stand up, roll over, or get in and out of a vehicle. In fact it’s more than acceptable–I’m pretty sure it’s mandatory.
- There is no such thing as too much sleep. Or too much butter.
- If you’re at the store and wondering if you need to pick up toilet paper, the answer is yes. Always yes. A pregnant woman can never have enough toilet paper, so stock up. It’s the one pregnancy-related expense no one ever tells you about.
- Write EVERYTHING down because you will forget it. That includes your grocery list, errands, your scheduled appointments, your address, and your last name.
- Choose the handicapped stall in public restrooms whenever possible. No, pregnancy does not make you handicapped–but it does make you differently-abled. And when you’re twice your normal size and trying to squeeze your ass into a germ-filled space without touching as much as possible, trust me on this–you’ll appreciate the extra room.
- Spending 5 minutes to contemplate if it’s worth it to bend over and pick something up is a VERY good use of your time.
- No one is allowed the eat the last piece of ANYTHING when there is a pregnant woman around. EVER. Even if you ask said pregnant woman if she would like the last piece/slice/bite and she says “no” you are still not allowed to eat it. She is lying. She wants to eat it. And watching you eat it instead will have her visually ripping your head off, stuffing it down your throat, and stomping on it for good measure–all before the time you dab your poisonous mouth with your damn napkin, YOU FOOD STEALER!!And last, but not least:
- Pregnancy IS NOT an all-inclusive free pass for bitchiness–but going without wine for 9 months is.
haha – thanks for the pointers! I agree – 9 months without wine and sushi…I told DH we will be stopping by the sushi bar on the way home from the hospital. haha.
Great list — I can so relate! Thanks for the laugh. Hope you’re doing great with your new little darling.
Congratulations on the little one and llllluuurrrvv your blog! I’ve read it everyday since I found it. I too am a first-time mom of a 10 month old boy. Your fashion sense is very inspiring. It would be great to see how you dress your post baby body. That was a huge challenge for me. Take care!
Absolutely HILARIOUS.
Is it bad that I’ve never been pregnant and #2 is still something that I have to worry about.
Hope you are doing well…
LOVE this! I am saving to read when we are pregnant! Thanks for keeping me laughing!
Thanks for this! Ha ha ha! You had me laughing out loud. I am printing this out and giving it to my husband to memorize before we are pregnant!
Congratulations again on your beautiful baby girl!
xo, KA
Loved this! So true, all of it. Hope you, Greg, and little Kate are doing well.
LOVE, LOVE LOVE this!!! So true! Every word – especially the handicapped toilet stall one…I almost lost it when I read that!
Hilarious, as always!
HAHA I love #8!
Congratulations!!! Such an adorable little girl you have.
By the way the toilet paper and never passing up a bathroom rules are in my pregnancy rule book also!
I have just found out I’m pregnant and already I’m worrying about #2!
I love your blog and would like to thank you for making me laugh a lot and for all your fashion posts. Its made me truly excited to think about accessorising my impending bump!
You are so funny…loving your blog!
The handicapped bathroom thing is SO TRUE! I discovered that after trying to fit into an exceptionally small (read: normal-sized) public stall and had to squeeze through the door, then balance myself over the toilet while sucking my belly in (no, you can’t suck in while pregnant, but trying to do so made me feel better) so I could close the door.
I completely agree – and thank you! I don’t know why but certain things are already making me feel guilty, so I need a reminder that it’s okay to be a little more demanding. Great line up – especially the last one!
Love this list! I will keep all these things in mind for sure!
I thought I’d see more photos and “new” mommy stories by now. Kate is adorable…but you already knew that.
Jan
BellaCasa
Vignette Wednesdays
love this list! xo
This! I am 38 weeks today and agree with every.single.one of these.
Congrats mama!
ha! that’s one of the funniest lists ever. i totally got busted for eating too much butter last night!
Hilarious! I am not pregnant nor have I been, but I am feeling the urge to print this list out for later use.
Hee! Love the rules.
agreed, agreed, agreed!!
and the large bathroom stall – needed because pregnant equals front heavy. so doing the squat totally throws off your [already off] balance! the last thing you want to do is hit your head on the door!
Great post, wish i would have wrote a book a real book on what happens when your pregnate like a 5 page book that list
1. you get fat no matter what!
2. Your boobs will get big, but then they leak (YUK)
3. Yes you really can pee this much
4.I think husbands, boyfriends,etc any one eles around a pregnate woman should not be able to drink!!!!
Like it is not bad enough craving stuff but when your told you cant have it, it only makes me want it 1000 times more. good luck with the home streach they are so worth it in the end.
oh and last but not least labor hurts like hell and you end up pooping on the delivery table!
thanks for making me laugh. you should write a book… What to REALLY Expect when You’re Expecting by G&D.
I just realized that the reason our toilet paper consumption has gone down so much is because I had the baby and am no longer pregnant. Its totally true!
Congrats on the new baby girl! She is adorable!!
I’ve given you the Sunshine Award so come over and claim it!
http://www.craftygirlblog.com
Jeni
I just found your blog…and I LOVE this list! So true about the sleep and butter…and I am finding out that there aren’t enough muffins to go with that butter, either. You were adorable pregnant…and Kate is just beautiful!
Glad you all enjoyed my little list–thanks for your comments!
@Emma–Congrats on your pregnancy! I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months!
@Tiffanie–Thanks so much; that’s so sweet of you to say!
@Jeni–Thanks for the award! I’m flattered that you thought of me.
@Lindsey–Hi, and welcome! Thanks for your sweet comment. I’m so happy you’re here!
AMEN!!!
I just found your blog and have been reading it all night. Such is the Friday night of a 17.5 week pregnant lady, I suppose. But your writing and photos are beautiful, inspiring and fun.
I have to thank you for #9. Since becoming pregnant, I’ve had a major love affair (and as your friend pointed out, I guess that’s all it takes to qualify as a craving) with sushi (veggie only, no raw fish even before pregnancy for this vegan). So my friends frequently indulge me with trips downtown to the local place. And I’ve been so thankful to them when, at the end of the meal, they leave the last pieces of sushi for me! Because, really, if they took me up on my, ‘no, you go ahead, I’ve already had more than my share’, I would cry. At least on the inside. I cannot stand the thought of watching someone else finish the plate while I have none.
But these feelings of hoping that they would insist I finished the meal off have made me feel kind of selfish… So thanks for the pregnancy rule! I shall adopt it as my own. And perhaps print it on a t-shirt.
And now I’m hungry. For sushi. I wonder if Asian Taste is still open…
-Katie
PS: Congratulations on the gorgeous and sweet baby girl. She has amazing eyes. All the better to view that amazing nursery with!