Want To Gain 5lbs In 1 Week?

Just follow my very simple eating plan.

(New clothes not included.)

I wrote this last year–and posted it to my friends–after letting Christmas food (and every other food in site) get the better of me. I’m re-posting it here–this year–for all to see. I hope it will serve as a very public reminder of my gluttony, and shame me into only eating carrot sticks for the next week. Wish me luck, because honestly, so far my eating habits this year are looking a hell of a lot like last year’s–eek!

12/24/07

• Oatmeal (so far so good)
• Skip lunch
• Go to your in-law’s house for Christmas Eve and eat 1/2 a tray of taco dip with tortilla chips, 3 mint brownies, 1 m&m bar, a ham sandwich (that’s healthy right?), and some rice pudding. Don’t forget to wash it down with about a bottle and a half of red wine.12/25/07
• Country Breakfast Casserole for breakfast–that’s hashbrowns, sausage, egg, and cheese (lots of cheese!) all combined into a delicious casserole. Eat as much as humanly possible because you know you won’t get to eat again until dinner.
• Christmas Dinner–ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, corn, cheesecake, chocolate pudding dessert, apple cider, and wine. Then have lots of beer (and Nerds candy–your favorite!) once your family members leave.12/26/07
• Coffee and a slice of cheesecake (who knows how long it’s good for? Better eat it up while you can.)
• Olive Garden for lunch–you know you never go here, so be sure to have at least 3 breadsticks. Bonus points for 4.
• For dinner, go out for all you can eat fried fish–yum! Tell the waitress to just keep it coming. In total have 6 pieces of deliciously fried cod, and two orders of fries. Oh! And coleslaw and 2 dark beers. Nice work.
• After dinner, keep drinking beer. Just how much beer you ask? Drink until someone puts a microphone in your face–and you sing. But don’t stop there. Wash down the shame of singing with another 20 oz. beer. Better make it two.12/27/07
• Coffee and cheesecake for breakfast again (hey, it’s hangover day–anything goes).
• Christmas dinner leftovers. Eat as much as possible. And more cheesecake.
• Now go to Granite City for some Idaho Nachos–a huge heaping plate of waffle cut fries loaded with cheese, bacon and sour cream. Don’t forget to ask for their “special dipping sauce.” Share about 4 fries with your sister, but eat the rest yourself. Try to not vomit as you wobble out of the restaurant.
• Now go to a movie and get a movie-sized box of Nerds. I don’t care how full you think you are–there’s always room for Nerds.
• Late night snack? Just a little more ham and mashed potatoes. Don’t forget the gravy!12/28/07
• Screw it. Coffee and cheesecake for breakfast again. Might as well go for a record.
• Leftovers for lunch. The more the merrier.
• Go out for Mexican for dinner. Have a quesadilla, 2 margaritas, and so much chips and salsa your husband looks scared. Follow it up with beer at the comedy club, and then a post-show martinis at the place across the street. On your way out the door swipe a huge handful of their fancy little chocolate mints. Eat them on the way home while serenading your husband with country songs.12/29/07
• Oatmeal for breakfast (at least try to make an effort to start the day off eating right.)
• More Christmas leftovers for lunch. Follow it up with chips and salsa, while your husband looks at you in total shock because he swore you’d never be able to eat chips and salsa again after last night.
• Man that cheesecake’s good–better have another piece.
• More Christmas leftovers for dinner. By now you should have single-handedly eaten about 5 lbs of the 7lb ham you made for Christmas dinner.
• Finish your evening with one more slice of cheesecake, two beers, and a box of Nerds.12/30/07
• Oatmeal for breakfast (healthy eating day–take 2).
• Quiznos for lunch–have a yummy beef dip sub sandwich. But of course that doesn’t fill you up, so finish off that bag of chips and that jar of salsa. And eat more Nerds.
• Another slice of cheesecake (your last one, promise!)

 

Now self-reflect on your past week, write it all down. Freak out. Hop on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes. Then post to your friends about it.

Hope you’re all doing much better than me in the healthy eating department so far this holiday season!

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