It’s been four months since I returned to work, and this post is something that still feels a little too soon for me to write. Too difficult. Too raw. I question if I have the right words to accurately capture what returning to work and being apart from my daughter felt like for me, and I know that I don’t. Even now–only a minute into writing this post–the tears are already falling down my cheeks just thinking about it.
When Kate was 10 weeks old I realized that my maternity leave was quickly coming to an end and sweatpants were probably not going to qualify as appropriate work attire, so I planned an afternoon of shopping while G stayed home with Kate. I know I should have enjoyed my carefree afternoon out, but it was impossible. Every little girl I saw was Kate. It didn’t matter how old she was or what she looked like. They were all Kate in my eyes. Kate at two years old, Kate at nine years old, Kate with blond hair, Kate with black hair, Kate somehow turning into an Asian baby–they were all her.
But of course none of them were her.
And she wasn’t there with me.
With every child I saw, the dull ache that had entered my stomach the moment I left our house grew stronger and stronger. While browsing through some skirts, a baby next to me started to cry and hearing that knocked the wind right out of me. I was suddenly in so much pain that it nearly brought me to my knees. I ran out of the store hunched over with my hand clenching my poor aching stomach, and raced home to my baby. I arrived to find Kate sleeping soundly–just as she was when I had left–and the pain in my stomach instantly disappeared.
I’d been gone for less than two hours.
Hearing that, I’m sure you can imagine that returning to work didn’t work out so well for me. G stayed home with Kate during my first week back and that helped a lot, but the following week she started daycare and that was beyond difficult for me. Kate’s reflux was also at its worst during this time, which only added to my worries. Her feedings were so painful that she would cry and scream her way through them. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I was certain the idea of not being there to comfort her would kill me. I prayed that Kate’s feeding issues would be too much for our daycare provider (Miss Debb) to handle and she’d give us her notice. Oh how I prayed!
Kate only went to daycare for half-days during her first week because we thought it would be better to ease her me into it. We also agreed that G would be the one to drop Kate off and I’d leave work early to pick her up. That first morning when Greg walked out the door with Kate on her way to daycare, I nearly lost my mind. I cried all morning long, all through work, and the entire way to Debb’s house. The routine was repeated the next day and the next.
I wanted to hate daycare. I wanted to hate Miss Debb. I wanted to hate her house. I wanted to hate the other kids there. I wanted any excuse–ANY–to say, “This isn’t working out” and quit my job and keep Kate home with me.
On the third day that I picked Kate up from daycare, I walked into Miss Debb’s house to once again find Kate as happy as could be on Debb’s lap, watching the other children, toys, laughter, and fun scattered everywhere she looked. She loves it here, I reluctantly realized. She doesn’t get this kind of stimulation when she’s home all day with just me. As much as I wanted to hate daycare and as much as I wanted it to not work out, it suddenly dawned on me that we’d be taking something away from Kate if we pulled her from Miss Debb’s.
As comforting as it was to recognize that daycare was actually a good thing for Kate, I still wasn’t handling it well. I promised G I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about work during my first month back to allow for an adjustment period, but even after a month I was still really struggling. I still cried every morning when Kate left for daycare and I couldn’t focus on my job at all. I’d sit in meetings, look at the people around me, but not really see them. All I could see was Kate. Each blink of my eyes pulled a new image into my mind like snapshots of her were burned into the backs of my eyelids. I’d tuck my hair behind my ear and think of the dry patch of skin behind Kate’s ear and did I remember to put the cream on it this morning? It was weeks before I could put her pictures up in my office and even then each glance at them was like a punch to my stomach. I’m sitting at my desk looking at pictures of my baby when I could be home playing with her.
I was in pain. Actual physical pain that only disappeared when I was reunited with my child. Everyone kept saying, “It’ll get easier. It’ll get easier!” But it wasn’t getting easier, and I was beginning to think all my friends were liars…
Continue reading Returning to Work: Part 2.
I’m really thankful you did this post – can’t wait to read the other part(s). My husband and I don’t have kids yet but we’re thinking more and more about them, and I will have to return to work because I’m more of the breadwinner in our house.
This is such an insightful post. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t wait to read more. We dont have kids yet but my husband and I often talk about what we want to do about working/day care/staying home.
Oh I’m now dying to read Part 2! I’m returning to work in 2 weeks and starting to feel the emotions you blogged. I pray Part 2 includes an improvement for you…
Warmest Regards,
A fellow working Mom
Reading your post broke my heart! My baby girl is 9 days old, and I’m taking a year off from work (she’ll actually be about 13 months old when I return), but the thought of returning at all is excruciating to think about! Thanks so much for exposing such real emotion. I’m looking forward to reading Part 2, and I hope it brings more positives!
Thank you for posting this. I am on maternity leave {awaiting our girl} and the thought of going back to work already freaks me out. Luckily my MIL is going to be our daycare but it’s not me and I hate that already. Can’t wait to read more.
Thanks for posting this – as of right now – I have no choice but to return to work full time after maternity leave. I carry our insurance.
I want to go back to work (as of now) after I have the baby but all my friends tell me that totally changes once you have the baby. It’s so great to hear someone tell this so truthfully!
I am now three months back at work from maternity leave and everyone is saying the same things to me too- it’ll get easier. I don’t want it to get easier!! I want to be home with my little man
I’m so glad you posted this. I’ve only commented a few times, but i follow your blog regularly and have been wondering if you would address this topic at some point. I go back to work a week from today after having my first child and can barely think about it without crying. To make matters worse we visited the daycare we’ve selected earlier this week and I’m having serious second doubts about it. How did you select your provider? I’m a fellow madisonian so I’m especially curious. Looking forward to part 2…
Trisha
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is going to be when I leave Thomas next month. I’m looking forward to reading the rest – hopefully you’re experience will half mentally prepare me!
Thanks for posting this. I have returned to work, 2 months now. It isn’t any easier. I resent my job & the fact that I only get to squeeze in 2-3 hours a day with him, 1 of which is doing bedtime routines. Sigh. Everyone tells me it gets easier too but I don’t want it to. When it gets easy it means that I have given up and resigned to the fact that I will never get to be a SAHM. I am hoping I can find a p/t job soon. Good luck & I can’t wait to read part 2.
What a beautiful post, looking forward to part 2!
I’m 25 weeks pregnant but I’m already dreading the return to work. And wondering if our “plans” for how we’ll have part-time childcare, me working from home part time, and whatever else we scrabble together have any chance of working out for us.
I have to admit that, although difficult for sure, putting Ethan in daycare for a few months kept me from losing my mind (thanks postpartum depression!).
But eventually, I decided that home with him really was where I wanted to be, so just before his second birthday, I quit work.
You’ve got me by the heartstrings; I’m anxious to hear how this turned out for you!
Oh I hope in the next part of the story you’re feeling better! I’m due today and am already dreading my return to work—and she’s not even here yet. Trying to contemplate how long of a leave I’ll take. I just think it’s so hard to decide before I’ve even met her!
Ah, Dusty, I feel your pain and so does every mother that has to go back to work. What I find most interesting is that the experience you’ve described is universal. I, too, saw my daughter in every child, regardless of race or age. The guilt was overwhelming at times.
The only thing that got me through was remembering that my mother also went back to work full time while I went to daycare and I didn’t/don’t lover her any less for it. My parents both made sure to devote time to me in the hours we were home together and I try to do the same with my daughter, even if it’s having her stand next to me and “help” (i.e. watch) me prep dinner while she tells me about her day (she’s 5 now). It’s even better on the weekends ’cause we make scrambled eggs for breakfast and she really does help by beating the eggs with a whisk. This is something we started doing when she was old enough to hold the whisk and understand that the egg mixture had to stay IN the bowl. Plus there are the readings before bed time and on the weekends. (Never too early to read picture books.) There were/are the walks to the park, and playing on the floor with cubes (puzzles, now) or rolling a ball back and forth (the videos we have of this are absolutely hilarious).
Hang in there. You WILL be OK, and so will Kate. You’re doing everything right.
Oh D! Great Post! As a veteran mom – 7 years in – I still remember these days like yesterday! I had 2 weeks maternity leave with my first child and thought I would die. Its been a constant struggle since that day to balance the need to work (at least part time) and stay home and be the mom. I’ve figured out a good balance for us, but I still feel guilty… all the way around!
Can’t wait to read part 2! Keep up the good work!
Oooh cliffhanger – I can’t wait to read more. Our little one is due in December. I am already dreading the return to work that is inevitable and he hasn’t even arrived yet. Thanks for attempting to put your experience into words because I think it will be helpful for the rest of us first timers out here!
I only stayed home 16 weeks and then went to work part time for about 16 more weeks. Then on to full time. It was when I got the pics of my daughters first birthday developed (before digital) that I looked at them and asked myself “what the hell am I doing, I missed my daughters first roll-over, her first crawl and her first word ‘momma'” I quit a great job to stay home with her and don’t regret a minute of it. As you well know Alexis is now 13 and Drew is 11 and I just (re)started a career. YOU have to do what’s right for YOU!! It does get easier but you don’t want regrets either. Sure we struggled financially but we made it. I am so happy I made the decision that I did. I am sure you are doing wonderfully~~good luck with all your choices. Amy
I’m half looking forward to and half dreading my return to work,so this post is timely for me.
I think my experience will be easier, I have had a year maternity leave (standard in Canada) and my mom will be watching my little Petunia during the day.
I’m looking forward to the next Episode!
great post. I’m due with my first in January, and already dread returning to my job (which I hate) after 12 weeks of (unpaid) leave.
unfortunately, I am by far the breadwinner in our family and there is no realistic chance of that changing, so I will HAVE to return to work. fortunately, we will be able to afford a really good day care.
enjoy your blog and looking forward to part 2.
Oh, girl! I’m crying with you. I have been home for the last 10 years. Yup. 10 years. We now have three beautiful little ones. For the longest time I couldn’t leave them for more than a couple of hours without racing home. Everyone thought I was nuts. But I wasn’t. And I’m still not. They are my babies. Obviously not everyone can stay home. I can’t wait for your next post. Hugs.
Shannon
http://www.akadesign.ca
Wow, what timing you have! I’m headed back on Monday after a 10 week maternity leave. I’m already dreading it, but thankful I will work 2 days a week from home. Monday is going to be rough!
I’m so glad you were honest enough to post this! I know some day when I have a baby I’m going to have the “I want to quit my job and stay home” syndrome too! I’m not sure which I’ll choose, but this post helps a ton!
I can’t wait to hear part 2! I’m lucky that I get to work from home but it’s still hard to adjust back into that mindset.
Oh goodness. Reading about your emotions regarding this makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t even like to think about the day that I go back to work; I can’t imagine what life is like without having my daughter attached to me.
What a fantastic, raw, well-written post. I appreciate your honesty and am looking forward to reading part 2!
Suzie
I just recently discovered your blog & I love it. I think all mothers can relate to your feelings on work. Fortunately for me (or unfortunately depending on your view), we couldn’t find a good fit with daycare for our sons. They are now 3 & 6 and I have been unemployed for the last 16 months. I wouldn’t trade my time with them for anything but there are times when I miss having work friends & I feel guilty that my degree is going to “waste”. I contemplate going back to work & although it seems like it should be easier as kids get older, for me it is getting more complicated (with afterschool activities & school transportation). I am not sure when I will go back- if ever. I do appreciate the struggle that working moms go through & I don’t think there is ONE right answer. I can’t wait to read part 2.
I’m gonna cry! Thanks for writing this and I can’t wait to read the next installment and hope it starts looking up. My daughter (our first) is 10 weeks old and I’m returning to work full time the week before Labor Day. The first month with her was a tough adjustment for me, but now I tear up at the slight thought of going back to work. Ugh! I don’t want to go back. My keep trying different tactics to get my hubs to say I can stay home, but I know financially it isn’t in the cards for us right now. I am so scared I am going to be a wreck for months and sit at work thinking about her non-stop. Enjoy your blog and I hope it has gotten easier for you b/c I’m hoping the same thing for myself!
I’ve also been following you for awhile. I go back to work full-time on Tuesday after 12 weeks off. I’ve had crying spells all this week about it. Although part of me is looking forward to going back, I’m also going to miss all the extra time with my little guy. I’m looking forward to reading your next post.
Thank you so much for your comments everyone! I’m currently working on Part 2 of this post, but as you can imagine it’s a delicate thing to write about so it may take me some time. Please stay tuned!
I really appreciate hearing about all of your experiences. For the soon-to-be and new moms returning to work, I wish you nothing but the best with your transition! Everyone’s experiences are different and you just never know how you’re going to react. For as many women who have had as difficult a time as I’ve had, there are an equal number (or maybe even double!) who made the transition fairly smoothly. Good luck to you all!
Hi D, I really loved this post, it was so well written and from the heart. I also had a terrible time going back to work and I still am after being back since the end of March. It really hasn’t gotten much easier for me either. Your comment about staring at the other co-workers during a meeting pretty much captures how I am at work too. I just look at these people, people I have known for years, now with a different perspective. I always am thinking to myself, why am I here? Who cares if expenses are up for the month? Nothing is that important anymore. I am calling daycare constantly and she is only there two days a week. The other day she is with Jeff’s Mom. I was very lucky to go back to work only 3 days aweek. Even those few days are torture.
To your point, Jillian actually LOVES daycare too. After being on vacation for a week, she seemed excited to go back and be with her baby friends and caregivers. As hard as it is, it did make me realize that she would not get that kind of stimulation and socialization if she was at home with me 24/7. In the long run, I do think that there are some benefits too to outside of the home care, it’s just so hard on us!!! I can’t wait to read part II of your post. I too wrote a post on my blog about going back to work, aside from the pain of not being with your little girl, the added stress of getting ready each day really takes a toll on you too. Take care.
Karen
Thank you for giving us such an honest, well written portrayal of your experience. I’m sure it was difficult to do. With a little one due any day now I already feel what must be a very small part of the loss you’re experiencing.
Lisa
runningwiththeszokes.blogspot.com
This was a great, honest post. My son is almost 7 and I remember when I first had to go back to work like it was yesterday. The thing was, I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. Then I had my son and my life changed forever. I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks and then my husband stayed home with him for a month so I could get used to going back to work. We loved the lady that kept him and he loved the other kids there. I just had no interest in work once he was born and felt so guilty like I was missing everything. Finally I quit when he was about 10 months old and it was the best decision ever. My husband had just started a new job at the time so the timing was not the best but I was so miserable all the time. And you know what, we made it work. I remember my mom saying that I would never regret giving up a paycheck to stay home with my baby and she was right. It was the best decision for us. You just have to follow your heart and do what’s right for you and your family whether it’s working or staying at home. Good luck!
This post hits so close to home for me. I can’t wait to see what else you have to say because I’m in complete agreement with all of your feelings so far. I had my little girl in April and I’ve been back to work for a month now and I hate each and every single day that I have to go there and I still cry about having to go to that place while someone else is watching my daughter! I do say I hope it gets better but secretly I’m still hoping and praying that something will change and I’ll be able to be home with her and find other ways to give her the stimulation and play time that daycare gives her! Thanks again and I do hope that it has gotten easier for you!
Someone above commented that you just have to do “what’s best for you” and I have to chime in and say that I disagree. I believe that the decision to have a child means having to let go of a considerable part of ourselves. It’s not just about us anymore; it’s not about me. I believe that a majority of mothers in America have forgotten that, or are ignoring it…
-Ali
I wish I had listened to my heart and quit my job earlier. I understand the money struggles (believe me!), and the fact that some people believe you should work so you don’t lose yourself in motherhood (truth is…you need two types of lives in your home…kid oriented and adult oriented…as long as you have both, you’ll be fine…if you ever decide to come home to be with baby try a MOMS Club or meetup moms for contact with people that don’t go ga-ga-goo-goo).
I feel for ya. It’s a gut wrenching decision and it’s difficult to be pulled both ways. But if your heart is saying be home, maybe it’s time to do some research and see if there’s a way you can listen. Even part time.
I went back to work on Monday and I feel like I’m not going to make it. My boss is great and is allowing me to work from home mostly with a few half days in the office. As much as that might sound like a really lovely arrangement, it feels like it is killing me.
I seriously weep on and off all day. Thank you so much for writing this post…knowing other mom’s are struggling with the same feelings is somehow comforting.
Great blog by the way…you’re my kind of people
OMG can you PLEASE post part 2? I need to know how this ends
Hope you’re doing well.