Check out Returning to Work: Part 1.
I never thought I could be a stay-at-home mom. For a long time I couldn’t even picture myself as a mother, so being one that stayed home with her children all day wasn’t even a consideration in my mind. When I told my boss I was pregnant with Kate, his first question was, “Will you be back?”
“Of course!” I laughed. The thought that I would be anything but a mom who worked outside the home fulltime never even crossed my mind. I had a great job that I loved and that was meaningful, and there was even a part of me that thought I might cut my maternity leave short and return to work early.
But then Kate was born and everything changed.
If you read my Returning to Work: Part 1 post, you know how difficult that transition was for me. Everyone kept telling me it would get easier with time, but it didn’t. And did I even want it to get easier? What would that mean about me as a mom? That I was losing my connection with my child? That I cared more about my job than about her??
These were the questions that tugged at my gut and overshadowed the other, quieter questions that I tried to keep silenced: Am I crazy to quit my job during these tough economic times? What if I don’t like being a stay-at-home mom? Am I really ready to walk away from my career? Will I ever have the opportunity to be in a position as great as the one I’m in now? What kind of financial stress would this put on my family–on my marriage?
Paying attention to that last question is what finally helped me find my answers. Through our talks, I knew the idea of becoming a one-income family weighed heavily on G’s mind. I have no doubt that it’s something we could’ve made work–but at what cost? G felt as strongly about the financial security of our family as I did about having more time with Kate. How could I possibly sacrifice his piece of mind for my own? That answer was simple: I couldn’t.
But I also couldn’t continue working fulltime. It was killing me to be apart from Kate, and quite honestly I was likely on the fast-track to getting fired at the rate as I was performing at work. I decided I needed to find a part-time job, or at the very least find a new fulltime job somewhere with the option to eventually move into a part-time position (there were no part-time positions at my current organization).
Two months after returning to work, I fought back the tears as I walked into my boss’s office and said, “I have some difficult news.”
He sighed and replied, “I knew this was coming.”
What started out as one of the most difficult conversations of my life eventually turned into one of the best opportunities I have ever been given. When I explained that I needed to leave–not because I didn’t love my job–but because I needed more time at home with my daughter, my boss asked, “What can we do to make this work?”
That was three months ago.
Today, I am so incredibly grateful to say that I currently work a 32-hour work week, split among four 8-hour days. I have every Monday off (Mondays are now called it “Momdays” in our house) which I spend playing and laughing and cuddling with Kate.
I cannot even begin to describe what this reduced work schedule has done for me. To say it has been life-changing is an incredible understatement. I finally feel like a Mom who also has a job, versus a Worker who also has a child. I get to spend more time with my beautiful daughter, and I get to keep a job that I love and worked hard for. With this change in my schedule, Kate is now home four days per week and goes to daycare for three (G’s mom Pam continues coming to our house to watch Kate one day per week–something she’s done since I first returned to work, and that means so much to us).
I wasn’t sure if having just one day off per week would feel like enough, but amazingly it does. There are times when I get glimpses of what it would’ve been like had I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom, and that’s when I realize I made the right decision to find more of a middle ground.
When I am with Kate she has my undivided attention. No TV. No phone. No internet. Just us. I truly savor our time together and I’m not sure I’d be saying that if I were a fulltime stay-at-home mom. I’ve realized this during times when I’m home with Kate for several days in a row with little to no break, and I find myself starting to take our time for granted–turning on the TV and watching it instead of her, sneaking peaks at my laptop and ignoring her attempts to get my attention, or wishing it was already naptime so I could have a little me time–and that’s not the kind of mother I want to be. I’m proud to say that what Kate and I miss in quantity, we more than make up for in quality.
Just as I reluctantly realized that daycare is a valuable experience for Kate, I’ve also realized there is value in us having some time apart. I get to miss her. I get to look forward to coming home to see her. I get to fill up that other side of myself that likes to wear high heels and makeup, have adult conversations, and make a difference in more lives than just my own. But best of all, I get to have a happy family that truly values our time together.
From the reader feedback I’ve received, I know many of you are currently going through this same struggle, or will be soon. It is a fiercely personal decision and you will have no shortage of people weighing in on how they think you should shape your life. Take your time, listen to your heart, and you’ll get there. I’m grateful to say I’ve found what feels right for me and my family, and I wish you all the best for you and yours.
So glad things have worked out on the work/life balance. I’m 3 months away from having our first and sound just like you did before baby. I have no idea how I will adjust. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
I also work only 4 days a week (off Fridays) so that I can spend more time with my 2 boys. I love it! Isn’t it great to have an awesome boss??
That sounds like such a wonderful middle ground. Congrats on making it work
Thank you so much for sharing this and being so open with us. I’ve been struggling with the same idea for some time now and this was a good reminder that you just have to find what works for Your family. Congratulations on finding balance, I’m sure Kate is grateful
I am so jealous! Your schedule is what I have been angling for since before I even went on maternity leave 7 months ago! However, my employers are not as understanding. I am going to have to start looking for a new job and in this economy it will be tough. I miss my baby, but know I could not be home every single day nor could we survive with only 1 income. Ugh, why does everything have to be so difficult!?
This sounds like an awesome middle ground. I wish I could find something similar but currently I am still a SAHM. I am happy it worked out plus she gets you all day Monday which makes your both enjoy it more!
That is so wonderful, and actually sounds PERFECT to me.
I have to work. I need to work. I love to work. But I also have 2 beautiful babies right now that I miss terribly. I’m lucky enough to have my mom watch them, but it’s still very hard. I’m hoping (very soon actually 😉 to start working from home 1 day per week. Yes, it’s still work… but it’s the best I can do (financially) and I still get to spend more time with my babies.
Best of luck… you sound very happy! =)
It is so difficult to be away from your child all week. I have been back at work (full time) now for almost a month and I miss my sweet girl a lot. We need my income, as my husband works only on commission and is building up clients right now, but it is tough. Right now I am going through a mix of not seeing her enough and also not getting much downtime. I would love a four day week like you have. I have decided that even if this isn’t in the cards for me right now I am going to at least take one day off from work a month to have a long weekend with her. I was able to do that last week and have my mother visit and it was so great! Love the extra time with her. So glad this worked out for you, your family and Kate. It sounds like she gets the best of both
That is so wonderful & I am thrilled for you!!
I’ve been asking for the same schedule for over a year now & no dice because my other coworker already has that schedule. I figure my day will come soon.
But I love that you have the best of both worlds. You deserve it.
Thank you so much…I have read your blog for a while, and have a 7 month old…I am going back to work in December, and while I feel so lucky to have had so much time off, I am really struggling with this. I could have written everything you said, and this really hit home with me…you are so right about quality over quantity. Thanks for the timing of this!!
I wish my job allowed me to reach a compromise like you. I don’t want to be a stay-at-home-mom but I don’t love (or even like) my job. Our 4 month old is doing wonderful in daycare but I miss him terribly. Maybe once the economy rolls around I can find something more conducive to being a momd but not giving up on my career goals.
Thank you so much for allow us into your life. It is encouraging to know that someone else shares my same concerns.
Sounds like a really awesome compromise! You’re really lucky! What is it you do for a living?
Sounds like a really awesome compromise! You’re really lucky! What is it you do for a living?
I’m glad you found what works for your family! I am dealing with this struggle as we speak. I’m due with our 1st in January & don’t quite know what to do. My husband mentioned me taking a yr off; it’s just terribly overwhelming. I don’t have a career I’ve worked hard to achieve, just a job that’s turned into a long-term position w/ crappy pay & not a lot of respect.
Anyhow, your situation sounds perfect for you guys! That’s awesome that your boss worked with you.
I very rarely comment on any blog. I prefer to just read. But, this post really struck a chord with me & came at a time when I really needed it. My sons are 1 and 2 yrs. old. I still have deep guilt every single time I drop them off at daycare. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t be the best mom staying at home with them 24-7, just as you mentioned. Beautifully said. Thank you for this.
Congrats on finding a good balance! I have been absolutely miserable since I had to go back to work (a year ago now). I would love to be home with my daughter full-time, but my husband is (luckily!)the same as yours and our financial welfare is important.
With #2 now on the way, I’m hopeful that I can transition back from maternity leave to a part-time position. Honestly, two in daycare full-time = two in daycare part-time and me working part-time. And if it’s the same, I’d rather spend that time home w/ my babies.
Love everything you write.
I normally don’t comment on your blog too much. I kinda feel like you’re a big deal and I’d be this absolutely annoymous no baby having wife who’s opinions don’t matter. BUT one hundred percent sincerity, I wanted to thank you for this and for being so honest. This was a beautiful blog. We don’t have any children yet and I keep doing the back and forth thing like “If we have a baby, I’ll want to stay at home with it and then we’ll be broke.” So this was just a completely refreshing moment to see someone who internalized over what to do and knowing that having a little of both worlds is possible. Thank you for that.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We are planning to start a family soon, and I already feel torn about how we will be able to balance it all. It’s so refreshing to read about how it all worked out for you! So glad that you were able to find such a fantastic solution!
CONGRATS!!!!! You’ve found the best of both worlds! I think every mom struggles with this on some level and spends a lot of time and energy trying to find the balance! So excited for you!!!
The closer I get to having both my kiddos in school all day, the more I realize how fast it all goes and how much I’ve missed (and I’ve been a SAHM, a work part time mom, a full time working mom) guilt and self-doubt just seem to be the nature of the mom-beast in this day and age!
So excited for all 3 of you!
Best wishes,
Cara
That is GREAT! You are so lucky you have a boss that was willing to work with you! It makes you feel less disposable, which is always nice. I bet Kate loves having her mama one extra day a week. I go back in 2 weeks and I’m nervously looking forward to it. Like you said, I don’t think I could be a full time SAHM but I sure am going to miss our morning cuddles. I guess I, like you, will see how it goes. Thankfully KP will be with my mother in law which makes it a little easier for me to leave her.
Dusty, I am so happy for you and your family! You have the best of both worlds – it’s the perfect fit for you. My mom was off one day/week when I was little, and I still remember our special times together on those Fridays. Enjoy this wonderful time!
Congrats on finding and arrangement that works for you. For others struggling with this dilemma (or anyone who wants more time for themselves in this workaholic world) I HIGHLY recommend the book Womenomics. It is about exactly this topic – how to make your work work for your life. Women have so much more power in the workplace than we realize, and it’s time we used it. I’m not a major feminist, but I think the corporate world is too detrimental to families these days (for men and women) and we could all use a little more balance. It makes us better workers, too.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! We’re still trying to figure out when to start having kids and even thinking about that can be a little stressful. Especially since we’d like to buy a house soon and I’m not in love with my job. So I definitely relate with you on balancing family, finances, and sanity.
I love that this worked out for you and your family.
jbhat
I recently went back to work at the beginning of this month after nearly 4 months of maternity leave. I’m also working a 4 day, 32 hour week, with Friday’s off thanks to an awesome and very understanding boss. Having Friday’s off means everything to me. It has really made going back to work more bearable. I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say that you appreciate your time with Kate so much more, but find yourself taking her for granted after several days alone with her. I feel the same way. I’m glad you worked something out. I’m so happy with my four day work week I feel like I must be dreaming. It really is awesome!
Amen, sister. I work 4 days a week to have time to take care of my family better. I also take random days off in the month (I’m a pediatrician) to get a mental break as well. We all try to do the best by our kids.
Although I don’t get to do the 4 day work week, or be a stay at home mom I am so happy that you have found a place where you want to be with work/parenting. Like many readers your second post has been long awaited and I am sure I share the joy with everyone else that you are not just satisfied but truly happy. There are days that I wish I could stay at home, but like you financially I can’t. Could I find something closer to home so that I could be there more, I am sure I could. But would I be happy and would I really want to start over? Your post had me fighting back tears. You are truly an inspiration and I wish you all the happiness in the world! Good luck!
Thank you so much for your comments everyone. I really appreciate hearing from all of you!
@Jessi–Best wishes for a quick and easy delivery! And good luck to you as you adjust during and after your maternity leave.
@Erin E–YES! Amazing.
Thanks Vee!
@Jenn–Good luck to you. :hugs:
@Elizabeth–I’m sorry to hear a 4 day work week won’t work out at your current job. Good luck to you as you try to find something else. I’m sure you won’t regret it!
Thanks Nani!
@Jenni–Good luck working from home. I’m guessing it’ll still be a challenge balancing work and children for that day, but think of all the time (and money!) you’ll save on not have to drive back and forth to work that day–that’s great!
@Ellen–Taking one day off a month right now sounds like such a great solution, and I’m guessing it will be your absolute favorite day of the month.
@Blair–Thank you so much! I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that the same works out for you soon, too!
Thanks for your comment Corisa, and good luck to you as you transition to being back at work.
Thanks Darcie!
@Stella Blue–I work for a nonprofit organization that helps support children with mental health issues.
@Amanda–Good luck to you. I may be a bit biased, but I think January babies are the best! 😉
@Courtney M–Thank you so much for your comment; it really meant a lot to me.
Thank you so much, Stephanie. I really hope it works out for you to stay home part-time once #2 arrives!
@Tori and Chad–The beginning of your comment made me lol! Puh-leeze, I’m just a baby-obsessed girl who hasn’t washed her hair in a week who occassionally sits down at a laptop. Comment away! 😀
Thanks Sarah Beth!
@Carazy Mom–Oh my goodness, having the kids in school all day? Don’t make me cry! You’re right–it does go by way too fast.
@Mama Dew–Yes, I feel so lucky to have such an understanding boss. It’s been such a blessing. Good luck to you in 2 weeks. I wish you all the best!
Thank you so much CampDallas–that means so much to me!
@Megan–Thanks for the recommendation!
Thanks Cathy!
Thanks jbhat!
@Cottage Girl–I so happy things worked out so well for you, too. That’s so great to hear!
@DrDrama–That’s so great to hear! Someday I’ll have earned time built back up again and I look forward to being able to take time off for things other than doctor appointments, lol!
@Julie–Thank you so much for your comment. I can totally relate to how you’re feeling, and I wish you all the best!
I totally understand how you feel. My daughter was born on Christmas eve (2009) and I cried about going back to work the first week of April (2010).
After being back to work for only a couple months I started feeling a sadness come over me because I miss my daughter so much. Not to mention the lack of time to unwind.
A lot of other women that I work with that have changed their work schedules because they had the same thing happen to them. I even asked our HR lady how many hours I have to work to keep my benefits.
I’m still debating on asking for one day off a week. I really want to do what you’re doing. What do you think I should say to my boss about taking Fridays off?
Thanks again for your Blog. I LOVE it and it helps me feel less insane to have another mom going thru the same stuff.
D – Thanks so much for this post. I was very much like you before I was pregnant. I knew for sure I did not want to be a stay at home mom. Now I only have 4 more weeks of my maternity leave left. While I’m looking forward to seeing my co-workers again and diving back into my professional career, I know it will be met with emotions, challenges, and several unknowns. Like you and G, my Hubby and I know I need to work as well if we want to continue to enjoy the lifestyle we currently lead. And I think I do need a professional outlet among adults. I’m so glad your boss was willing to work with you. Sometime in the future I would love to explore the possibility of part time work but for now, I’ll brave the year ahead of me!
This is such an encouraging word. I’m not a mom, and won’t be in the near future, but I’m thinking about life down the road and the fact that I will likely be working throughout adulthood. I’m so encouraged by women who find a way to make it work.
Thank you so much for sharing!
I find it so hard for young families that maternity leave lasts so short, in Europe you would get for a whole year your full salary and still be at home with your kid, after that year most mom take part time with 20 hours week – usually working until noon and then taking kids home from kindergarten and havin whole afternoon for them. Not very unsual for Europe is that father take some months off and state will support this and his company has to do the same.
I also don’t see myself as stay at home mom but would be happy to work first 1-3 years 20 hours per week…
This post gives me such encouragement. I love seeing your love for your family in action, both in weighing G’s needs, Kate’s and your own. I’m so glad you found a solution.
I’m really happy that so many of you have been able to work out a four day work week. It really seems like an ideal solution. It would absolutely never happen at the company I work for. Never ever. I don’t know why our culture has so much trouble with this.
Thanks for sharing your story. I love that you found a happy middle ground.
One summer a long time ago I worked 4 days instead of 5 and I realized that one days does make HUGE difference. It makes your week more balanced going from 5/2 to 4/3.
Even though I work 5 days now — my goal is to try to do something similar someday.
@crystal–Good luck to you; I hpoe you’re able to work something out with your boss! I know the conversation isn’t easy but just say what’s in your heart.
@Nicole–Best of luck to you as you return to work!
Thanks stillarunner!
@jja–Yet one more reason why we should move to Europe. That sounds incredible!
Thank you so much Leah!
@Val–I agree. It’s a cultural value that I wish would change!
@Newlywed Next Door–Isn’t it incredible what a difference that one day makes? I honestly don’t know how I would manage our lives these days without it.