I have this knack for sabotaging myself.
Sabotaging my body, more specifically.
The morning of my wedding I gorged myself on a greasy “breakfast” from McDonalds – and I NEVER eat at McDonald’s! I gained at least 5 pounds during the week leading up to the commercial shoot I had with Oreck last summer – a commercial that I knew would air on television sets all across the country! I binge ate on anything salty, carby, or greasy I could find prior to my most recent photo shoot with The Tile Shop, stayed up way too late, and stopped exercising. The result? I stood in front of bright lights and a camera with love handles, a puffy face, and a horrible coldsore.
Most recently, I’ve been doing great at sticking with this year’s Whole Living Challenge, and staying on track for meeting my goals…and then I fell off the wagon.
Yesterday I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant with coworkers and gorged myself on greasy (but so damn delicious!) tortilla chips and salsa. At the end of the work day a co-worker invited me out for a beer, and even though I knew I shouldn’t have, I went. I had not one, but three beers. I resisted ordering greasy, fried bar food (even though I really wanted to!) but when I got home I made myself some homemade nachos, complete with chips, ground beef, cheese, and sour cream. An hour later I was laying on the couch, sick to my stomach, feeling groggy and tired.
Today we took Kate to a circus and I shoveled popcorn into my mouth by the fistfull…even though I had apple slices in my bag. Afterwards, we went to our neighbor’s house for their daughter’s birthday party and I scooped up a big plate of macaroni and cheese from Noodles & Co…even though there was a Challenge-friendly Asian chopped salad option also available. (For the record, I overate the hell out of that, too.) Then I had a couple of cookies, and a cupcake.
Not surprisingly, I felt awful when we got home, and even went upstairs to take a nap, even though I haven’t felt the need for a nap ever since I’ve started the Challenge. When I woke up, I still felt awful, fat, and sluggish…so then I ate some of the mini peanut butter cups I got for G for Valentine’s Day.
Did I say I fell off the wagon?
It was more like a flying leap with a beer in each hand, falling face-first and mouth wide open into a pit of grease and cheese and carbs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
By this evening I felt so sick and gross that even though I had zero motivation or energy, I peeled my bloated belly off the couch, brushed my teeth to get rid of the gross sugary taste in my mouth (I don’t even like sweets!), hit the gym, and ran.
When I run, I think, and here’s the conclusion I’ve come to:
I sabotage my body before big events (or before reaching my body-related goals) because I feel like I’m not worthy.
Who the hell am I to get nationwide press for this little blog about my life? Who am I to have this beautiful wedding to this amazing man who is so much better than I am?! Who am I to be a role model or an inspiration to thousands of readers who are trying to change their habits and eat healthier?! Did I really just ask for (and receive!) a $300 mixer for Christmas (that I love so much!) from G’s family (in-laws that are better than any girl could ever hope for!) while there are starving and homeless people in this world and children who had no gifts to open on Christmas morning, and will someone PLEASE PASS THE PLATE OF SUGAR COOKIES?!!
I feel unworthy.
And I take it out on my body by disrespecting it with too much food and alcohol, and not enough exercise. I strive to treat my body like a temple…until I’m struck with guilt about the treasures and joys I have in my life, and then I ask myself – either through conscious thought or unconscious action: Who am I to deserve to have a body that’s a temple?!
These were my thoughts as I ran on the treadmill and sweated cheese and chocolate through my pores this evening.
Changing these sabotaging actions starts with changing my thoughts, so I reflected on what I am trying hard to believe and came up with this:
I deserve to have a body that is strong, healthy, and beautiful, and that is treated with respect.
With each stride as I neared the end of my run, I drew strength and energy as I repeated my new mantra in my head:
I deserve to have a body that is strong.
I deserve to have a body that is healthy.
I deserve to have a body that is beautiful.
I deserve to have a body that is treated with respect.
We all do.
Today was a bad day, but tomorrow is a new one. I’m going to get back on that wagon, and try.
I love your honesty D. I don’t think I could even make it one day on that challenge, so I really admire your willpower. I tend to sabotage myself too…and I’m a major stress eater which is horrible when every day of my life has one stress or another. I have no doubt that you will get back on that wagon and rock it.
Thanks MB! And the same to you!
Good for you for going running. A wise friend said to me recently that you can’t have a setback without having made progress first. You can choose to focus on either one.
You DO deserve to have a body that is strong, healthy, beautiful and treated with respect and I hope you are able to internalise that! I am working on believing that myself.
Excellent point, Jen, thank you for sharing that! I’m usually a pretty positive person, so I’ll choose to focus on the progress I’ve made over the past 3 WEEKS, and focus less on the 24 HOURS that I was all, “Challenge? What Challenge? Nom, nom, nom…”
Wow D, there is beauty in honesty. I’m so glad you came to that conclusion and shared it on your blog. So many women have those same thoughts and we just don’t admit it.
I have a habit of sabotaging myself as well and I’ve only recently started to recognize it.
Thank you so much April. Good luck to both of us in turning it around. My hope is that identifying it and naming it is the first step!
That sucks! My mentor in college told me to stand in fron the mirror every morning and say I will be a good _____ (insert career choice here) so I could say it with confidence and truly believe it. Took 6 months, but it worked! I hope your mantra has the same success
Thank you, Amanda – I hope so, too!
I recently read the book “Inside Out Weight Management” by Meg Cline. She is a life coach and in it she talks about changing your mindset to change your body. It’s not a diet book, it gives encouraging stories from her clients and gives you steps to take to tackle this exact problem you are talking about. I read it in a weekend and loved it- I keep going back to it to remind myself of important points. I’m not “overweight”, but I don’t feel healthy in my body at its current state and struggle to keep up with my portion control and workout regime. (sounds like you’re in the same boat). I would recommend it!
Thank you for the book recommendation Rebecca – I’ll have to check that one out. It does seem to be in line with what I struggle with. I’m also not overweight, but I definitely flirt with chubalicious territory when I disrespect my body by binge eating and not getting enough exercise. Portion control is a major issue for me. Throughout most of the year I’m able to offset how much I eat by working out a lot (mainly running), but I always take a running hiatus during the winter (it’s too cold or snowy to run outside, and I hate running inside on treadmills) and that’s when my eating catches up with me. I need to keep myself in balance. If I want to eat like a teenage boy, then I need to keep up with my workouts! If I’m going to slack of with my workouts then I need to dial down my portions. Balance, balance, balance!
D, don’t beat yourself up. You are so very insightful to have identified that kind of thought pattern. Changing that is what will break the cycle of binging (something I struggle with every day myself).
The other thing to consider is the role of deprivation. A challenge as strict as this one is a form of deprivation, which can easily backfire and cause people to binge on the things that are “forbidden.” That’s why dieting mentalities don’t work in the long run. I know the challenge is only for a month and short term limits can definitely work for many people. But your willpower was already exhausted by being so strict, making it harder to resist in every situation. It’s all about balance, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.
And keep in mind…you make good choices FAR more often than you make bad ones, and that’s something to be extremely proud of. Your readers love you – with all your imperfections – because your make us feel better about ours. You’re a role model because you’re delightfully human and make the best out of all of the ups and downs life brings. That’s all any of us can expect from ourselves.
I totally agree with you Megan re: deprivation. My willpower was definitely exhausted by the end of Week 3! Two years ago, after completing the first Whole Living Challenge (when I changed my eating habits significantly for the better) I knew that a 100% “clean eating” lifestyle wasn’t going to work for me. My brain seems to be programmed that if it’s told it can’t have something, it wants it even more, so I have to tell it that nothing is “off-limits”—even if it’s processed. If I really want it, I’ll go ahead and eat it—just not much of it, and not very often. I call it my 80/20 plan: Eighty percent of the time I eat whole foods and 20% of the time it’s okay if I don’t. If I want a plate of French fries, I’ll eat a plate of French fries. If I want a Dorito, I’ll eat a Dorito. This mindset has served me pretty well over the past 2 years, but during the two months leading up to this year’s Whole Living Challenge I was really starting to slip back into some old eating habits, and I’d say my 80/20 plan was more like 50/50 at best. Even though the Whole Living Challenge is so strict, I do believe it’s what I needed to get myself back on track. I think next year I’ll allow for myself to have a little wiggle room by Week 3 to prevent my brain from taking over and devouring everything in sight.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Don’t we all self-sabotage a little bit? Sorry you had a tough day, but glad you’re back on the wagon! One of the ways I’ve turned it around is to ask myself: Who the hell am I that I’ve been given the ability to be healthy and am blowing it on a bag of chips. Doesn’t always work, but I find that if I reframe my mindset that I’ve been given a gift and need to use it wisely, I do better.
I use that same mindset when it comes to running, Emily. I tell myself, “I’m blessed with healthy legs and the ability to run, therefore I HAVE to.” I’ve never thought to use it on food. Thanks for the tip!
I can’t tell you how much I admire your honesty here. You could’ve been telling my story. While I’m not strong enough to do the Challenge, I am very strict during the week and most of the weekend with what I eat. Not that I eat super clean, I just keep it within a certain calorie range (Thanks, MyFitnessPal!) and I’m really good at it 95% of the time. But every once in a while, whether it’s hormones or the deprivation taking over or me lying to myself that one binge won’t matter, I lose control and do exactly as you described – no food is safe if it’s within reach.
I have trained for and run a marathon. I measure out/weigh my food, from cereal and milk to my fruit to how many peas are in my serving, so that I know exactly how much I’m eating. I work out religiously 6 days a week. I bake several treats a week, have a bite, and give the rest away. I am strong and determined and dedicated.
Except when I’m not.
You are not alone. We aren’t perfect but we try our best. I truly believe that an “everything in moderation” mantra is best because while food needs to be good for us and provide us with as much nutrition as possible, a lot of it is awfully tasty, offering little more than a party for our taste buds, and it’d be a shame not to enjoy it.
Thank you for sharing your struggle and being brave enough to put it all out there.
I’ve been hearing great things about the MyFitness Pal app lately – I’ll have to check it out. You raise a great point about hormones too, Stephanie. I’m PMSing this week which definitely makes it harder to have willpower and stick to my goals. It sounds like we struggle with some very similar issues – it’s nice to know I’m not alone!!
Honestly? There are many reasons for binge eating and over eating fatty, sweet, salty things. But the main reason is because you (you and also the general you) restrict certain types of food and diet. Yes, the whole living challenge is a diet and not meant to be a “real” day to day way of living. No one can live off mango and water smoothies for a meal long term. And once this diet is over, you WILL have to go back to eating healthier portions. There is absolutely no reason for your body to go through a cleanse if you are not over eating in the first place. Even if this is for a month and not meant to be long term, you are still denying yourself real portions of food and your body and mind will rebel. It was most likely easier for you the first time around because of the significant change in the way you felt. And feeling good is great (and the goal!) but the only reason you felt great was because you stopped eating so badly. Anything after that would seem like its the right thing to do.
I’m certain that you and others will disagree, because hey, it’s in a “healthy” magazine so it has to be true, right? Sort of like how people take Oprah or Dr. Oz’s word as gold.
Our nutrition needs are very, very simple. Eat when you’re hungry, eat more good foods for you than bad, and stop when you’re full. If you find yourself binging, it may be for emotional reasons (that you listed above). The stronger and more important reason is that you’re denying yourself real food while on a diet.
You raise interesting points Liz, but I don’t believe they are true for me. I do think it’s important to detox my body on an annual basis because I believe it’s healthy to give my digestive system a break and to test for common allergens (dairy, gluten) that I may not otherwise notice. I also eat plenty of food while I do the Challenge (my portion size is up to me) and (this year especially) have honestly not felt anything more than a mild hunger cue letting me know it’s time to eat again. I believe the food that I eat while I’m doing the Challenge is the best food for my body, and I don’t think my body is being deprived of anything it needs – in fact, it gets treated the best it does all year during the Challenge! I feel amazing when I eat this way, and (as evidenced by this past weekend) like total crap when I don’t. It’s for all these reasons, that I know when I derail myself like I did last weekend, it’s 100% brain-related (emotional) and not because my body needs something it’s not getting.
“Even though the Whole Living Challenge is so strict, I do believe it’s what I needed to get myself back on track. I think next year I’ll allow for myself to have a little wiggle room by Week 3 to prevent my brain from taking over and devouring everything in sight.”
I totally understand you think your slip ups are caused from emotional thinking and behaviors, it’s this statement you made (in reply to the post above) that tells me it’s definitely deprivation you’re experiencing. I know that you feel good on the challenge diet, as some of that food is very healthy and feel good foods. I eat that way a lot, it’s good food! But just the fact that you can’t maintain it for even four weeks should tell you something. I could not keep up with it either. Even doing it for three weeks is not getting you back on track because you wind up in the same place every year. It’s deprivation. A cleanse is deprivation and at best, it will make you feel “light” for a few days. When you eat well, eat what your body is telling you, stop when you get full, you will not need to cleanse. 80/20 is great. This diet you describe for four weeks is not. Like I said, some binge eating is emotional for sure, no doubt about that. If that’s what you truly believe to be the issue, I’m sure you’ll try your best to resolve it!
Thank you, Liz. That’s my plan!
I hear ya sister! Thank you for blogging about the thoughts and struggles that so many of us share with you. And thank you for having the strength to ‘try again tomorrow’. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it… We all are. xo
Thank you Elaine!
I admire your honesty. Most would not admit to falling off the wagon. Thanks for blogging your story so openly.
Thank you Brooke!
I FREAKING LOVE YOUR HONESTY. This post is proof that you’re a humble, genuine person w/ integrity just trying to live life the best you can. For yourself & your family. And I love that about you.
Too many bloggers out there try to exude this perfect persona. Which tells me they’re probs FAR from perfect. I hit unsubscribe on those blogs faster than you can hear me drop an F-bomb……
I can certainly relate to where you’re coming from. Feeling unworthy & self-deprecating humor are my middle names. Let’s love ourselves more in 2013/moving forward, deal? (That sounds both inappropriate AND exciting, ha.)
xoxo
Deal!
PS. The fact that you’re a fellow F-bomb dropper is one of the many things I adore about you.