When Kate was two months old I read something in a parenting magazine that I still haven’t been able to get out of my mind. It was the advice column and the question was from a new mom who was feeling miserable. Seeking support, she joined a mommy/baby group but all the other mothers there seemed blissfully happy as they talked about how wonderful it felt to be a new mom. This woman didn’t feel the same way and she wondered if she should speak up or just quit the group.
The advice columnist’s response?
Those other moms are lying!
She went on to add that no new mom is that happy and they’re all either lying to each other or themselves. End of story.
“But…I’m that happy,” I thought as I read and re-read the columnist’s response, eyes wide, mouth agape. “What is wrong with me?” I wondered. “Am I one of those crazy moms in denial??”
Here’s the thing–when it came to the first year of parenting, I was prepared for it to be sheer hell. I’d heard all the horror stories from parents who’d weathered the storm and made it through alive with their body parts, sanity, and marriages barely intact. I took vigorous mental notes about how utterly awful it was going to be, compiled all the worst scenarios, and used that as my frame of reference whenever I thought about parenting. When I was pregnant I’d tell G that the first year was “baby boot camp” and we needed to be ready for every single day to completely suck. It was going to be the hardest year of our lives and if there were a handful of good days thrown in there then we should consider ourselves lucky. I was prepared to not feel a connection to Kate, to feel miserable due to the lack of sleep, to cry everyday, and I was convinced I’d have postpartum depression.
But then Kate arrived and to my surprise I felt that instant surge of love and joy…and it hasn’t let up since. I smile and laugh every single day and thank God every single night.
I feel happy.
I truly do.
So what the hell happened?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe I got lucky? Maybe I’m in denial? Maybe my perspective of parenting was so incredibly crazy that anything short of that seems amazing? Maybe I’m conveniently forgetting those tough moments, days, weeks–a little bit of “momnesia” perhaps? Even now–almost seven months in to what I surely expected to be The Year from Hell–I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve thought, “I’m not sure I can do this.” With the exception of a very disgusting ear wax situation, each of those times had little to do with Kate and everything to do with not taking good enough care of myself.
I’m not saying that parenting is easy, because it is without question the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Nor am I trying to discount the serious emotional struggles that are so common for new parents. My point is there’s no shortage of people who will tell you how miserable that first year is, but I’d like to share a different perspective–one I wish I had heard more often. I’d like to tell you that it is possible to be a new mom and to love every day of it. It is possible to wear dark circles under your eyes and a smile on your face. It’s possible that a 4am feeding may turn into one of your favorite times of the day. There may even be days when you put your baby to bed, pour yourself a glass of wine, look around at your dirty house, and bask in the beauty of it all.
It’s possible.
Or maybe it’s just momnesia.
so amazing well put! i feel exactly how you do in this post, glad to know i am not alone
I am in the same (amazingly wonder) boat that you are in. My son is 9 months old now and I have been happy from the beginning. I have also heard so many other moms tell expectant moms nightmare stories of the postpartum phase and for me it wasn’t bad at all. So far, everything has been a lot easier than i ever expected.
What a wonderful post to read! I am 7 months pregnant with our first baby and am looking forward to whatever comes our way. Glad you’re enjoying every minute of yours.
I’m so glad you posted this! As a new mom myself, I think a lot of people keep expecting me to complain about late nights or this or that… its almost like they thrive on the negativity. But I really am just the happiest I have been in my whole life.
Knowing people that have had problems conceiving, I am not taking motherhood for granted. This is definitely a privilege, not a right I am given. Why waste this experience dwelling in the challenges or negativity!?
You’re not the only one. My daughter just turned one a couple of weeks ago and I’m still madly in love. The first year wasn’t hell. Our marriage is fine. She is INCREDIBLE and I thank God every night for this amazing gift.
I think we’re super lucky is all.
Thanks for this – we’re expecting our first next year and I admit sometimes I freak out over the stories my friends tell me about how that first year is so hard. I get scared about the lack of sleep, the fact that I have to be back to work in six weeks after baby and then of course, day care. Worry worry worry!
It’s nice to know that I might be one of the lucky few who just slide right in.
I feel this way! The first 2 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life…but when I look back I don’t see it. Each day gets better as out little one learns and grows and we find solace in her little victories. We go to bed knowing we were the best parent we could be that day. As parents it’s not about us anymore and I think it sets new parents into shock sometimes…oh and plus the no shower for a few days…LOL!
I agree… the first year has not been hell it has been wonderful. Some days have not been so fun, but a day is not that big of a deal. I know for some moms it can be hell but maybe they are the loud minority?
it’s great to hear that! i was actually just talking about this with my sister whose baby is three months – she said it’s amazing how shows/movies portray this as so agonizingly difficult (think, 16 and Pregnant) when really says it hasn’t been bad at all! sure, there are trials, but it’s all for a good reason glad you’ve had a happy time of it
ps – haha it’s probably a good thing they make it look so hard in 16 and Pregnant, considering their audience!
I think I had the opposite expectation, since I really didn’t know many people in real life that had infants – those that I did know seriously had the easiest babies I’ve ever encountered – ate like clockwork, slept anywhere, rarely fussed… so it was a bit of a shock to my system when my baby came along and was a little less predictable, shall we say The first 2 months were hard for me, but in retrospect, it really wasn’t THAT bad. After that it’s been MOSTLY wonderful with a few hard moments thrown in, but luckily the good far outweighs the bad I think most people just don’t have a realistic expectation of what parenting is like – I know I didn’t! Either it looks too easy, or WAY too hard, and really it’s just somewhere in the middle.
I enjoy being a momma too. I kinda wonder if I have an “easy” baby or if other people just like to focus on the negative. But its not just the “easy” baby. I am fortunate to have a stable job, a stable home life, a husband that love me and is growing with me as a parent, and enough money to not cause any worries. AND sometimes, women are just dramatic. They are. Its just true. The end.
I enjoy being a mom, too. More than I thought, actually. And my daughter will be 2 in September.
I have been a longtime reader of your blog and never commented before. But I had to comment here, because I am in complete agreement with you! I have a 10 week old baby, and my experience has been nothing like all the misery I was warned about.
Yes we had 2 or 3 sleepless nights early on, but every moment has been a joy. My husband and I are a little tired but not exhausted. Our lifestyle has not had to change too much, except sometimes we have to take turns doing things instead of together (eating, working out, etc.), and we bring the baby with us all the places we used to go as a couple.
Either I expected things to be so awful that everything seems easy in comparison to my imagination, OR other people love to complain. It might be because my husband and I are in our late 30’s and already settled down, so our lifestyle didn’t have to change much to add a baby to the mix.
Either way, more parents-to-be need to hear from people like us that new parenthood is not miserable!
I completely agree!! I LOVE being a mom and it came surprisingly easy. Maybe Sae is an easy child I have no idea and maybe with the next one I will be crying a river but for now I love it and the first year was the easiest/ best thing I have ever experienced.
I think it’s awesome that things have turned out better than you expected! You are very lucky to feel this way! Keep enjoying that beautiful girl
Dusty – Great post! In my opinion, there are 2 things that make you a stand out parent with different experiences than the norm: You had realistic expectations about parenting and were prepared for the worst. Plus, you are a work outside the home mom.
I think the moms who have it toughest are those that have unrealistic expectations about motherhood and are the moms who choose to stay at home with their kids after they are born.
For women who stay home with their kids, there is such a HUGE lifestyle change, loss of income, freedom, identity that I think that is where the greatest struggle lies and the most negativity is rooted.
In no way am I criticizing, advocating or alienating one’s choices to work or stay home, as I’ve spent 6 years trying to find a balance and have been on both sides of the fence.
Our attitudes and expectations greatly shape our experiences. I’m so thankful that you have had such an amazing, wonderful experience…..
P.S. I just might address this issue on my blog – love new post ideas… thanks!
I personally think that many (especially young) moms think of having a baby as playing dress-up with a doll. And I think they don’t think about how hard it will be once the baby comes. You seem to have had the worst case scenario in your head before Kate came into the world… and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. You deserve to be happy and it’s great that you are. I don’t think it’s momnesia at all!
Being a mother is the most beautiful gift God gives us. Loving that gift and enjoying it is what we’re supposed to do!
I think I have the same outlook as you did before KAte was born. I’ll expect the worst and hope for the best. That way you’ll never be let down when you find a big ol mess of poop in you baby’s diaper instead of rainbows… that’s just a metaphor.
Thanks for this post. I’m due to have my baby any day and I’m scared! It’s nice to hear that things can be blissfully wonderful.
Thank you for this post! I just found out I’m pregnant and have the worst case scenarios in my head like you did. I wish more people would focus on the positive!
I agree 110%. That is exactly how I feel. I thought having 2 would be terrifying and scary, and I wouldn’t be able to do it, and you know what? Its been wonderful. I still feel on a high, and like you said, there are moments where I’ve panicked, but yeah, only a couple of times in the 5 months so far of being a mom of 2. Its such a joy, and I’m SO glad that you are having that same experience. Screw momnesia, its just an amazing experience.
This was so great to read. My due date is in about 3 weeks (eek!), and so many people tell us the horrors of parenthood but few tell us how wonderful it is! Right now I’m mostly worried about post partum ickiness and sleepless nights. Thanks so much for such positive, encouraging words!
I love, love, love that you posted this. I am expecting my first and often wonder how it will all go down in our household as well. I dream of the happiness you’ve experienced and truly think/hope it is a possibility for me as well.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Brought a smile to my face:)
Just curious….. any truly happy SAHMs out there who had colicky twins? I still wouldn’t use the term “hell”, but my heart surely broke at the thought of anyone having to juggle higher multiple that include any fussy ones in the bunch. Let’s just put it this way: I DO believe it’s possible to experience “the joy of motherhood” with an infant (maybe even 2 or more), but it’s completely subjective, based on a convoluted mix of personalities and tolerance (parents’ AND babies’). Personally, I learned that I absolutely, positively do NOT wax sentimental on my twins’ infancy, and I actually developed a resolve to NOT have more children. On the other hand, I experience that much more delight at every milestone of independence. I LOVE watching them grow, and being their cheerleader. Two years old was better than one; three years old was better than two, and so on and so on.
Hello,
I really think it’s a matter of perspective as you said. Like another poster said, I feel in the opposite boat. I feel like everywhere I turned, people’s babies were sleeping through the night and they were just happy as could be. And here I was just so completely sleep deprived (and I mean sleep deprived in its fullest sense!) from breastfeeding through the night. It made me it very difficult for me and not at all blissful. I felt very alone because nobody else seemed to feel like I did. The first year was hard because I chose to breastfeed him for that long. But then here is where perspective comes in. Now that he’s one (and weaned… hooray!), I look back at those REALLY difficult first few months and I feel the tears and low moments were all worth it. I would never tell anybody that it was an enjoyable time, but in retrospect, even through the tears, I was a happy mom. I would tell people that it’s hard, I cried a lot, I hardly slept, and I was miserable quite a lot, but that despite these things, it was all worth it. Perspective is everything!
Theresa
Hi! I have been reading your blog for a while, and really look forward to each new post. This post in particular really touched me. I’m a mom of 2 (with a VERY surprise 3rd on the way) I have been very nervous about this new little one coming along, but reading what you wrote really made me think of the earlier days with my two. It was a challenge, but the most wonderful challenge of my life. Every day I was (I am) happy. And, while there are hard times, which I certainly did complain about, I never ever once, would have said I was miserable. I have always wanted to be a Mom, and I am so grateful that it has turned out to be better than I ever dreamed it would be. I’m still nervous about number 3, but thanks to you, I have been reminded of how wonderful it all is, the good the bad and the ugly.
Very inspiring to read (coming from a soon-to-be first time mom)! I too have prepared my brain for the worst case scenario and the worst year ever. So glad that you are having such a great experience. Enjoy every minute of it!
I’m with you D. I absolutely adore being a mother and I thought that maybe it was because I have an “angel” son (4 1/2 mos). I was scared initially that I wouldn’t know how to care for him, but instinct and a LOT of book reading and researching kicked in to help me find my way. I think that having help initially (mom-in-law) and him sleeping 12 hours a night (at 11 weeks) helped a bunch too. No sleep is tough on any person. I feel so much love and joy these days it’s wonderful.
I’m with you D. I absolutely adore being a mother and I thought that maybe it was because I have an “angel” son (4 1/2 mos). I was scared initially that I wouldn’t know how to care for him, but instinct and a LOT of book reading and researching kicked in to help me find my way. I think that having help initially (mom-in-law) and him sleeping 12 hours a night (at 11 weeks) helped a bunch too. No sleep is tough on any person. I feel so much love and joy these days it’s wonderful.
This post brings me such relief! The hubs and I plan on getting preggers within the next few years, and I am literally TERRIFIED of everything baby-related: the pregnancy, the delivery, and {as you mentioned} the “Year from Hell” that is, supposedly, sure to follow.
I’m so happy to hear that not everyone endures such horrific experiences! It make me an eensy bit less scared ~ so thank you for that!
I have read your blog for a long time but have never commented. Just wanted to tell you how glad I was to read this. My husband and I have been talking about having a baby soon and it seems like all we here from most people are negative things.
Thank you for writing from the positive side of things! It’s nice to hear the things that are good about having a baby instead of always hearing how bad it is going to be. Like the comment before me, this helps me to be a little less scared.
~B
Hi D, I am glad you are so happy! I feel overall that I am a happy Mom. I am an extremely positive person and have always been. I love my baby girl more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. But to be honest, I think the first year as a Mom has both good days and bad days. And if any Mom out there disagrees with that, then they are lying.
What dictated my good or bad days had everything to do with sleep. My DD is the cutest, happiest, most adorable baby girl. I receive comments daily on what a good baby she is. Her daycare says she is the easiest baby in the room to take care of. However, she is not a good sleeper at night and wasn’t for the longest time. Her not sleeping made for a very unhappy and stressful Mom. Especially when it was time to go back to work. Trying to survive a demanding life at work on 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night was an absolute nightmare. It sounds like in your last post that your little girl is a good sleeper and always has been which is probably why things seemed so easy for you. Count your lucky stars for your good sleeper, it makes all the difference in the world that first year.
Karen
It’s not momnesia. For some of us it happens that way. Now I will warn you that my happy, super baby was a monster at 3 years old and that is when I wanted help! Best of luck & I’m glad you’re loving being a mommy!
This is a great post! IT IS possible to have all of that love and joy and it still be the hardest darn thing you have ever done. BUT it is the most rewarding!
If you have Momnesia, then I am downright delirious! I’m in the same boat as you. I was terrified of that first year, convinced I’d be a bad mommy and have no idea what to do with this new human being that needed me for everything. And then he was born. And I realized I was previously an idiot.
Thank you so much for your feedback everyone! I really appreciate hearing your points of view. I agree that where you’re at in life has a big influence on how you handle the adjustment of a baby. G and I waited until we were ready–really ready–before we started trying to conceive. I’m also very lucky to have a husband who is an equal partner who takes great care of both Kate and me.
I want to clarify a couple of things. I’m not trying to say every day is all sunshine and roses, b/c it definitely is not, lol! We’ve been dealing with reflux (among other things) with Kate, and as any parent of a child with reflux can tell you–it’s a horrible thing to watch your child go through. We’ve dealt with many, many hours, days, and nights of inconsolable crying. The last thing parenting is is easy. My point is that even on the most difficult days I still find so much joy in being Kate’s mom. My hardest day with Kate is still better than my best day before she was born.
I also want to clarify that I absolutely believe that “the horror stories” I’ve heard are not only real but also incredibly difficult for those parents. I in no way want to discredit the struggles those parents have gone through, and I think their stories are equally important to hear–maybe even more so than mine, considering those are the stories that helped me have a more realistic expectation of parenting. They are what helped me go into motherhood with my eyes wide open…and my expectations low. As much as I think we do not hear enough about the joys of being a new mom, I think it’s equally important not to silence or disbelieve the difficult experiences other new moms have had.
Thank you for sharing your stories everyone!
I share your sentiments exactly. Yes, I’m only 10 weeks into this whole motherhood journey, but I agree that it has a lot to do with perspective, and quite frankly – everyone had me prepared for the worst. I so enjoy your blog!
Well said. So glad you are happy. It was uplifting to read so many positive comments from other happy moms. And my heart goes out to the moms who are struggling.
xo
jbhat (also happy–very)
Hi Dusty – I have spent an embarrassing amount of time reading your blog from the very first post to this point after recently linking off of someone else’s blog (and truly enjoying every minute). This post definitely hit home with me and I wanted to comment – I feel the same way. I expected being a parent to be lovely but difficult, and although we have had ups & downs too, being a mom has been blissful. My husband and I adjusted to being parents quickly and laugh and love every day with our little 18 month old.
Thanks for your enjoyable blog, I have excitedly added it to my google reader and will look forward to new updates…after catching up on the next few months.
Thanks & Take Care,
Colleen
P.S. I grew up in Sun Prairie but moved to Denver, Colorado 7 years ago – I come home to visit often and just adore Madison and Wisconsin. Your blog has been fun for me to feel close to home while I am 1000 miles in the mountains!
Thanks everyone!
@Colleen–Wisconsin and Colorado? Sounds like you’ve got the best of both worlds!