A friend of mine was due a couple of months after me and prior to having her son she asked for feedback on what those first few weeks were like adjusting to a new baby, as well as any advice that may be helpful to hear. I’m sharing my response to her (written two months after Kate was born) in hopes that it may help other new and expectant moms out there. Good luck!
Kate is 8 weeks old today so it’s still really fresh for me (and really I’m still in it). So far I have to admit it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. EVER. But at the same time I’ve never been happier. I pretty much had the “prepare for the worst, hope for the best” mentality. When I was pregnant I’d tell G, “The first year is pretty much going to be sheer hell, but we’ll get through it. It’ll be like boot camp. And if there are good times, those are just a bonus, but don’t expect them.” I was also really worried about postpartum depression because depression runs in my family, so I was expecting to not feel connected to Kate and to just all-around feel like crap emotionally.
Well, as you know, things have pretty much turned out the exact opposite of what I’d mentally prepared for! I feel very lucky to say that I did have that overwhelming flood of love for Kate right from the very start. And I still feel it every single day. I really wasn’t expecting that.
As far as taking care of Kate–things aren’t always all roses, that’s for sure. Our first day home she screamed nonstop all day and night. Neither one of us got any sleep, but surprisingly I was oddly calm about it. It didn’t rattle me other than to want to comfort her. I didn’t get stressed or upset myself about it. I was utterly amazed by how much patience I had with her.
The next day G said something like, “I hope today goes better than yesterday.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I just hope she doesn’t scream and cry as much,” he replied, looking like his eyes were going to pop out of his head.
“I’m pretty sure that’s normal,” I told him. And I totally meant it.
Turns out it was NOT normal, which we found out when we went to our scheduled doctor appointment later that day. Our poor little girl was starving because we weren’t taught at the hospital how to use the special bottles she needed and we were feeding her wrong! I can’t even get into the pain of that right now, but it just goes to show you how skewed my perception of caring for a new baby was. Maybe it’s because of that skewed perception, or maybe it’s the emotional first week we had with Kate’s feeding issues that put things into perspective for me, but these past eight weeks have been so much better than I ever expected.
Sleep has definitely been the hardest thing for me. For the first few weeks Kate was eating every two hours, and since I had to pump in between her feedings it left very little time for me to get any sleep in. Kate would wake up, I’d feed her, burp her, diaper change, put her back down to sleep, then I’d pump, and if I did absolutely NOTHING else I might get one hour of sleep in before we did it all again. Of course that means no eating, showering, cleaning, prepping bottles for Kate’s next feeding, laundry, etc. As I’m sure you can guess, that’s just not feasible, so sleep–even just little bits of it–was hard to come by. Luckily Kate’s feeding cycles quickly stretched to three hours and that works much much better.
I also remind myself that taking care of Kate is “my job” right now. It’s been pretty easy for me to not really care that the house is a disaster and that we’re living out of laundry baskets, or any of the other things I’d worry about before Kate was born. She’s the priority right now. When Kate is sleeping, I ask myself, “Okay, now what is the priority?” The answer is always whatever kind of Kate-related thing that needs to be done–prepping bottles for upcoming feedings, making sure she has clean onesies, etc. After that, the priority is sleep. When I lay down to take a nap I just remind myself that “right now sleeping is my job.” Maybe I’m just work-oriented, but reminding myself that something is “my job” at that moment helps me focus on only that, and not worry about the other things. Telling myself that sleeping is my job helps me get to sleep instead of thinking about how dirty the bathrooms are or the million other things I could be doing instead of sleeping.
If Kate’s sleeping and all taken care of, and I’m feeling fairly well-rested, then (and ONLY then) do I focus on other things–cleaning, cooking, computer time, returning phone calls, etc. Oh yeah–that’s another tip: keep your phone on silent unless you’re in a position that you want and are able to talk to people. I found that every time my phone rang and I was busy doing something else (like feeding Kate) so I couldn’t get to it, I’d stress. So. Not. Worth. It. Just shut your phone off. People understand when you have a newborn that you’re not going to be immediately reachable.
Last but not least, G and I make sure to “check in” with each other every day. Our marriage has certainly been put on the back burner over these past few weeks, but we are still focused on keeping that connection. My best advice? Commit to hugging your husband at least once every day. It’s amazing what a difference that one hug can make.
Anyone else have some “new parent” advice? I’d love to hear it!
What a great post! I appreciate your honesty and I can definitely relate to a lot of those feelings you had.
I also like what you wrote about making sure to check in with your husband. Balancing the baby and our marriage was a struggle for us at first too and we are still figuring things out 3 months later. I appreciate your honesty and I know it will be helpful to other expecting moms!
This is such a great post! I struggled to remember what my priorities were those first couple of weeks, but over time, we worked through it. And it is SO hard but so incredibly rewarding.
The most important advice I could give (that I really needed to hear over and over again) is that for those first twelve weeks, you need to do what works for you and your baby. Don’t listen to the nagging voice in your head that you aren’t supposed to do this, or you will spoil the baby, or this will make a habit that you will need to break later, or that you are doing it wrong. DON’T LISTEN to those voices.
Do what works. That might mean cosleeping, letting baby sleep in the swing most of the time, bottle feeding vs. breast feeding, unswaddling, super-swaddling, WHATEVER.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that babies are so adaptable. If you make a “bad” habit now, like major paci dependence, cosleeping, etc., it CAN be easily cured later. Do not worry about that now, in the newborn days. Worry about the next 30 minutes, nothing more.
Oh, and let your mom and MIL come over and cook for you.
THANK YOU! This is so relevant to me right now! I’m due in January and don’t have any clue what life will be like with a new baby and no job to go to. I even WORK with babies but I totally know that life at home with my own child will be completely different!
I can totally see myself needing to remind myself of the things you were saying in this post. Don’t worry about chores. Baby is #1. Sleep is #2. Turn the phone off. Great advice, I’ll be starring this post for sure!
I have just found your blog and I LOVE it! I have a sixteen week old daughter named Avery. She is the apple of our eye and we couldn’t be happier. The first 6 weeks for us presented a lot of challenges. I had supply issues and we had to supplement with formula for a while. I was constantly feeding and pumping, it was exhausting.
As for advice, my number one piece of advise is to not listen to what other people say. Everyone feels compelled to tell you how to raise your child. My husband and I actually told all family to stay away for the first three weeks so we could figure out how to handle our daughter without any outside influence. I have friends whose families moved in wiht them at first and it drove them nuts. There is definitely a generational divide on how to raise children these days. We learned ourselves what worked for us and Avery. We bonded immediately with Avery and she with us. I’m so glad we told well meaning folks to buzz off for a while, I really think it made all the difference :-0
This was such a great post! As an expectant mom, I love hearing firsthand stories of what it was like for other moms adapting to the first few weeks (or months.)Thanks for sharing!
Accept help.
My parents were here for the first week of Ethan’s life, and my Dad did all the cooking. If Ethan woke up for the day at 6, my mom or dad would get up with him so I could keep sleeping for a couple of hours.
Not everyone is so lucky to have that kind of help, but if a friend or family member offers, let them take care of some of those back burner things. Like cooking, or laundry, or sweeping the floor. Unfortunately somebody else can’t bathe you. Unless you’re really close.
I definitely agree with a previous poster about doing what works for your baby and not worrying about habits AT ALL in the first 2 months. I remember being concerned about naps in the swing and swaddling and whatnot and it’s laughable now how little of a deal it ended up being! My baby is 8.5 months old now and it seems like a lifetime ago that I was worrying about that crap
One thing I’d recommend is to keep expectations low – while some (like you) have an awesome newborn experience, it’s also totally normal to NOT feel bonded and blissful the first few months. It was a really rough adjustment for me and I wish I’d heard more people saying that it was tough and less people telling me to “enjoy every moment!!!!!!!!” which was really the last thing I wanted to hear when ALL I wanted was to fast forward time because honestly I hated the newborn stage.
I 100% agree with you about hugging your spouse. Even now with a 3 year old and 16 month old things are hard. They never really go back to being “easy” again (like before babies) lol…
A hug really helps you remember why you wanted children with this person in the first place!
My little one is almost three weeks old and I can completely understand the lack of sleep, feedings, pumping, diaper changes, etc. My little guy likes to fuss between 11pm-1am ish… It gets frustrating but my hubby and I just remind each other that it will get better…
Kate is such a beautiful little lady! Still waiting to hear about gear/supplies you use(d). We are still learning in our house. Heck we haven’t even settled on a bottle yet (Playtex Drop Ins, Medela, Avent…lol).
Love the insight about doing what works for you. If your family and friends are healthy people they will understand not intruding in your new life unless asked. Thankfully, that’s how it worked for us.
In retrospect, the one thing I did not do enough of early on was to ask for help. Before baby comes along, make sure you know the people in your life who are taxing and those you can truly count on. This is the time to ask for help from both… both sets will be honored that you asked… but be specific. REALLY specific.
Ask those you don’t want to close to run errands for you, help out with yard work or provide meals to stock your freezer. Have them mail birth announcements or return all the blue baby gear when your darling daughter arrives.
Ask those that you trust and can count on to do the dirty work… ask them to come pick up your house for you, do a load of laundry, sweep your floor, hold the baby while you take a shower.
Ideally, have a book/list put together of your daily household routines.. dishes/laundry/general cleaning, when trash goes out, dog to groomer, seasonal maintenance, etc. Ask those you trust to help out with that stuff…. they’ll be honored and you’ll get it off your to do list… reward them all with a chance to hold/love on the baby while you catch some winks or take a shower or just do something that requires both hands! This way, when baby turns 6 months and you come out of the fog, you aren’t completely overwhelmed with all that needed to be done and didn’t get done. Based on my personal experience, this is when my PPD hit big time!
Either way, remember that you and your baby were specifically chosen for each other and no one else can do as great a job raising baby as you and your partner can!
I have really appreciated your transparency since you have become a parent — it seems to come from a place of true honesty, with no agenda, which is so refreshing. I am expecting my first in early January and posts like this have been awesome! I’ve also read your maternity fashion post about a dozen times
so THANK YOU!
This is a great list!
I find it hard to remember back to the early days with the kiddo (and it was only a year ago!), but there are a few things I DO remember:
–It’s totally normal to not feel that overwhelming rush of love right away. It’s NORMAL. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. Give it time to adjust to the newness of everything.
–Don’t think your way is the only way, particularly with your partner. If you’re always shooting down the way other people are doing things, you’re not really getting help. (of course, if it’s something major, speak up, but if it’s just that you normally burp the baby on your left shoulder and daddy tries on the right? Let it go).
–Find one small thing for you every day. For me, I made a 5 minute shower and 2 minute makeup application a priority. I looked like crap from the neck down, but that little 7 minute routine seriously helped me feel more energized and human.
–If you’re comfortable w/it and the dr. oks it–take the baby out. They’re super portable now and the change of scenery, even for an hour, will do wonders for you!
Thank you so much for this. Due in early January with my first and it helps to read about your positive experience!
what a wonderful post! our little girl is 20 wks & I so remember all this so well. I learned early on that every baby is different & just because your best friend had a baby that never slept doesnt mean your child will be the same. Cherish each day because they change so quickly & take lots of pictures! I take at least one picture a day & love to look back on them.
Awww
I appreciated this advice SO much when you gave it to me and it’s good to reread it now. How is it possible that my baby is now 7 months old and crawling all over the place? My best advice is to follow your instincts and trust your intuition. If I could go back and have never read any baby book I would absolutely do that. Every book conflicts with the next one and they get you so turned around that you can’t feel your own mommy instincts anymore.
Thanks you so much for your comments and additional advice everyone. I hope this post is able to help many new parents!
My son is now 13 months old and the most important lesson I had to learn was that if your gut says something isn’t right… then follow your gut. There have been a few times where people told me things were “normal” when they weren’t for my son and when I followed my gut it always worked out. No one will know your child better than you.
this was a fabulous post
love your blog! i’m a new mom (5 week old sam). i think “trying” to establish a routine is good (for me). it doesn’t mean i follow it EVERY day, but for us goes something like this.
1) wake up to feed sam
2) get sam dressed for day
3) sam sleeps, i shower (i REALLY appreciate my morning showers)
4) feed me
5) feed sam
6) sam and i both nap OR go to a mom’s group (those are FABULOUS, if you can find one in your area, go to it!)
7) go on an outing (target, grocery store, baby’s r us, etc) – only one outing, to get us out of the house for a little while – usually lasts about an hour
8) nap
9) go for a walk w/sam (it’s nice to go outside)
10) feed sam and myself at varying points in the day
11) get sam ready for bed: bath, pjs, story, feed
12) crawl into bed and pray sam sleeps for a long stretch
it may seem like a LONG day… but i only do what i feel up to doing – always showering at some point, it makes me feel human! sometime an outing is going to the pediatrician (heck that can be so time-consuming and tough – all the OTHER scream kids, b/c of course my baby doesn’t cry lol) and sometimes a walk is only a walk to the mailbox.
do what keeps you sane.
we also asked people for baby paraphernalia advice… BUT didn’t stock up on TONS of baby stuff until we knew what worked (and we’re still learning) of course we had the basics…
sorry for uber long comment
also, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU!!! don’t let someone else (lactation consultant, pediatrician, friend, family member, etc) make you feel bad for how you’re raising your child, you are the mom. BUT ask for advice when you WANT it. Ask for help and meals too…
Thanks for the advice, everyone
Due with our first in January. Does anyone have advice on dealing with a newborn when your spouse works nights? We’re never going to see each other and he’s going to have very little time with the baby – we’re both nervous about that, and I’m super nervous about being along with a helpless newborn most of the time!
(oops meant ALONE not along)
What great advice for your friend. It truly is both an amazing and overwhelming experience. I am always so appreciative of your honesty in your posts and have gone back to many of your previous posts to compare your and Kate’s experiences to mine and my baby girl’s! Thank you!!!
I have a one year old today!
I agree with what Kathleen said. That was my motto during the first few weeks. “What ever works” So many people will be trying to give you “advice”. But they are not the ones up at night with a crying/tired/hungry baby! The first few weeks is survival mode and you do what you do to get by. After that things start to get easier, everyone is getting for sleep. But looking back now that DS is 1 those first few weeks are such a small part of his life. I was definitely expecting the worst just like you said but things were so much better than I ever imagined! He is just an amazing little guy!
So very helpful! I’m due in a month and I love reading posts like this to help understand what those first few days/weeks might be like. I do have to laugh, though, because cleaning isn’t a priority for me now so I’m sure I won’t be stressing out after the baby’s born that I haven’t gotten to sweep the floor! Once the grandparents are gone it’ll probably be a very long time before it happens again…
Great advice! My little girl is 9 weeks old. I really didn’t know what to expect from a newborn because I didn’t have any friends or family with babies. It sounds like you had the right mindset but I being the logical person that I am didn’t expect my babe to cry so much for no reason. It was very frustrating to me and really made me question my ability to handle her. My advise is to have patience and realize it’ll get better with time and you and your baby will eventually figure each other out. I’ve finally got her figured out and am loving my time with her.
Great feedback everyone, thank you!
@Ginger–I wish I had some really great advice for you sweetie, but I just have no idea. I will say, however, that G traveled quite a bit for work during those first few weeks, so I was 100% on my own. I was nervous about his first trip, but the first 24 hours that I truly did it all on my own–no help from anyone, just me and Kate–actually felt incredibly empowering. We made it through that day, and the next day, and the next, and so on…just the two of us. And we did a great job on our own. After that I honestly felt like I could handle anything parenting had to throw at me. Like I said, I can’t relate to your situation, but I hope this helps at least just a little bit. Best wishes to you!