If you had asked me 5 years ago where I thought I’d be today I probably would have said:
Happily married to G.
A mom.
The COO of a nonprofit, saving the world one child at a time.
Still searching for that perfect shade of lipstick.
Four years ago I held Kate in my arms for the first time and my whole world changed in a way I never could have imagined. Before Kate was born I didn’t even like babies. Before Kate was born I would’ve bet money I was going to cut my maternity leave short. Before Kate was born my vision of myself was as a suited-up woman working a 40+ hour job outside of the home.
I had an incredibly difficult time returning to work after maternity leave, and was so grateful when I was able to negotiate a reduced schedule at work that allowed me to stay home with Kate on Mondays (our “Momdays”). It felt like the perfect fit for our family for a long time.
Until it didn’t.
My commitment to Kate had always been no TV, no laptop, and no phone as long as she’s awake. I bent that rule when Kate started watching kids’ shows (I’d check my email or social media during that time) but other than that I did a pretty good job of sticking to the expectations I had for myself as a parent. Our “Momdays” were especially sacred, and even though it was a work day for my coworkers, I’d set the limit up front that I would not be checking my emails or responding to messages on that day.
I pretty much thought I was kicking ass at the whole work/life balance thing until about a year ago. After 10 years of working for an incredible nonprofit that truly is saving the world one child at a time (we support children with mental health issues) the balance was beginning to shift. There was more work to do than there was time in the day to do it, and I had allowed my limits to erode. I started checking my email and taking care of work things when it should have been family time. I was stressed over making sure I spent enough time physically at the office, which meant missing out on precious, limited family time at home before Kate went to bed. Life pretty much looked like this:
Wake up, get ready, drop Kate off at daycare, drive to work (20-40 minute commute depending on traffic), work from 8:30am-5pm, and drive home (40-60 minutes depending on traffic). G and Kate are already home, and Kate is sitting alone at the kitchen table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while G is doing dishes. If we’re lucky we have 30 minutes to play before Kate’s bedtime. Put Kate to bed, come back downstairs, and start making dinner for me and G. If we’re lucky we eat before 9pm. (On nights G does bedtime I start dinner sooner and we eat around 8pm.) After dinner I open my laptop and work until bedtime.
“This is not the life I envisioned for our family!” I cried to G one night.
What I wanted was for all three of us to sit around the table and eat dinner together – a home-cooked one, containing neither peanut butter nor jelly. I wanted my daughter not to rush to bring me my phone if she saw it wasn’t sitting near me. I wanted to be present – truly there – for my family, instead of distracted, stressed, or buried in a laptop.
“What’s the end game here??” I asked myself over and over. Work harder? Work more hours? For…what? Anyone who works in the nonprofit world knows the pay is minimal and raises are nonexistent. Flexibility and the mission were two of the things I loved about my job, but flexibility can only go so far and there’s no mission more important to me than caring for my family. “What’s the end game?” I’d wonder as I sat in my office chair, staring at this card pinned to my bulletin board and the time-wasting commute ahead of me:
When Kate was born and my world shifted I became unreasonably fixated on the day she starts kindergarten. This day terrifies me more than Juan Pablo is terrified of the L-word. I knew, no matter what, that when the time came I wanted a job that allowed me to pick Kate up and be home with her after school, and to also do some volunteer work in the classroom throughout the week. In my mind that’s what I’ve been working toward and dreaming of since before my c-section had healed.
I want to be paying enough attention to understand what my daughter needs when her world shifts for the first time.
I want to be home when my family gets home.
I want to have after school snacks ready, and Kate sitting at the kitchen island doing her homework while I prepare a healthy, home-cooked meal.
I want all three of us to sit around the table each night, eat dinner together as a family, and talk about our day.
I want how I spend my time to reflect what I value in life.
End game defined.
I knew I was off course. My actions weren’t getting me to my end game.
In August I started my Wildtree business, helping busy people save time in the kitchen through freezer meal workshops. I know it sounds crazy to add something else to the chaos, but I fell in love with the products (they’re all-natural and organic) and wanted a nice little discount on my groceries. Interestingly enough, I also discovered that the time Wildtree saved me in the kitchen equalled what I put back into my business, so time-wise it was a wash. On top of that, I was making money and had slashed our monthly grocery bill. It became just the thing we needed to shift our world again.
At the beginning of October – 11 years after I was first handed my office key and a box of business cards – I gave my notice. It was a hard conversation to have, but I knew it was time and I knew it was the right thing for our family. I reported directly to our Executive Director and there is no one else at my agency who does what I do. I care a lot about my coworkers and this organization we’ve built over the past decade, so I worked with my boss to plan for a very long and thoughtful transition out of the agency. I turned in my keys at the end of January, although I am happy to say the ties aren’t cut completely as there are still a couple of projects I’m working on.
I will forever treasure my time there.
And I will forever treasure this time I have carved out to focus on my family.
Life today looks much different for us than it did a month ago. I’ve been working from home doing some nonprofit consulting, working my Wildtree business, and writing my blog. The only commute I have is to the grocery store. Momdays are once again work-free and filled with laughter and fun. I am home when my family gets home, and the three of us sit around our kitchen table and eat a healthy meal together.
Simple things, but they mean the world to me.
I have no idea how this will all pan out or what life will look like 5 years (or even 5 months) from now, but to Me 5 Years Ago – here’s the scoop: You’re still happily married to G – the most thoughtful and supportive husband in the world (and no, you still don’t deserve him). Together you had a daughter and she is everything. You’re not COO of anything, but you save the world every day for one child.
Now if only we could find that lipstick…
Hi Dusty,
I am Trish from thedecoratoraholic. Thanks for sharing this. It is such an inspiring article. Your family is blessed to have you. I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Liebster Award. You can find out more about this award…at http://thedecoratoraholic.com. I actually did not know what this award was until I was nominated. It is an opportunity to pass it forward.
Thank you, Trish!
So well written, capturing all the emotions of the balancing act and prioritizing.
Thank you so much, Patricia!
Congrats for knowing what you want and doing it! You’re a great mom!
Thank you so much, Crystal!
Oh, Dusty! I feel like you and I need to sit down for a cup of coffee and talk about being a mom. Of all the moms I “know”, I feel that you could relate to my work-life balance struggle the most. I loathe that our mornings are so rushed to get out of the house for work and school that my 2 1/2 year old practically eats breakfast by herself.
We only get one shot with our children, and that time is so fleeting we have to make the most of it. At the end of the day, when I’m lying on my deathbed, I know my last words won’t be, “I wish I’d spent more time at work.”
I’d love to have coffee (that turns into a Chardonnay lunch, haha) with you, Carla! I’m sure we could chat forever about this topic and many more when it comes to parenting. Great big hugs to you, girl – I know exactly how you feel! xoxox
Can I come to that lunch? Carla, you aren’t alone and Dusty, I cried here, at work, reading your post. I never post on blogs, but I had to here. I’ve had this same conversation with myself over and over again. I just finally started realizing that something has to change and I hope I can figure it out. Dusty, thanks for sharing. I hope I can figure out things for myself too…
It’s a date! I think I owe you lunch now after hearing my post made you cry! }}hugs{{ It’s such a struggle, isn’t it? I hope you’re able to figure out what feels best for you and your family and takes steps toward making that happen, Jen. I’ll be cheering for you!
Enjoy this new phase in your life. I was fortunate to be an at home Mom while my son was in Elementary School, it was the best. My son loved having me come into the class, to help for special projects and parties. I got to know all the kids in his class and observe the class room dynamics. It was the best time of my life. I’m so happy for you, you’ll have a great time!
Yes, yes, yes – this is exactly what I’m hoping for, Chris! Thank you for sharing!
Hi Dusty – I had big tears in my eyes reading this post. It hit so close to home for me. When my son Jonathan was little, I wanted SO MUCH to stay home with him! It was a dream that never came thru – and I really regret that. Grab onto these precious days with your family – you just never know what the future will bring. But it sure looks wonderful for you – lucky Kate! Lucky G! Lucky us for having all these great posts on your blog!
xxxooo – Diane
Oh Diane, how I wish I could give you a great big hug! I think about you and Jonathan more than you could ever know. Our time with our children is so short and there are no guarantees, as many things (including your story) have taught me. Thank you so much for following along with me as I work to figure this all out. Your words and support mean so much! xoxox
I am so so happy for you. There is no right answer in being a parent. But there is definitely what is right for you and your family. And it sounds like you are nailing it. (Not that I’m surprised. You were always nailing it.)
This post was really close to my heart because I made the same decision and left my office job in October. I was so terrified because being a career woman and working mom was all I ever expected. But as soon as I put in my notice, a weight lifted. I am happier now than I ever was then. I feel like Henry and Ryan are getting the best of me now. And other opportunities to freelance and volunteer have popped out of nowhere to keep me connected to the work I enjoyed and the network I built. Plus I’m able to do it on my time in my home.
All this to say that I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to keep following your journey. Oh an good luck with that lipstick.
Thank you so much, Kim! I remember when we met in Indy our talks about work/life balance. I’m so happy you followed your heart and found what felt best for you, Ryan, and sweet Henry. It’s especially nice when you can still keep those connections (on your terms) to work life, which I’m also pleased to discover. So happy for you, girl!
(PS – when I read the part of your comment about “nailing it” I instantly wanted to make a nailhead trimmed headboard, lol. DIY bloggers at heart!)
Dusty, I remember chatting with you at Haven and feeling SUCH envy that you were still able to work with children (as I used to) AND be a mom (oh yeah… AND blog!)… I stopped working after my 3rd baby was born and we left NYC and it was such a time of mixed emotions. I was THRILLED to be home nurturing my brood being a part of their every moment. Well… MOST moments. But I desperately missed that side of my life that let me work with children and families who needed me the most at my school. My mantra quickly became that nothing is forever… I was making all these decisions thinking they had a set ‘period’ at the end of each sentence while in reality, any of this can change whenever I need it to. Good on you for listening to you heart, for making a tough decision, and enjoy this new routine!
xx
Hi Charlotte – I remember our conversation, too! I loved meeting you, and am pretty sure I was jealous of YOU at the time as well! You’re absolutely right – nothing is forever. Busting out of that mentality that you’re “locked in” is so freeing – good for you! I hope you’re well, and I hope to see you again at Haven this year!
Loved reading this–Thank you!! I am currently pregnant with my third child, and work full-time outside the home. I am contemplating leaving my job–which I LOVE, and have worked at for the last 7 years–once I have this baby. Both decisions, continuing to work or staying home, have their pros and cons. But in the end, I think that staying home, and truly putting your family first and being HAPPY should win. I often feel like my life is crazy and just a fast-paced blur….These are definitely scary decisions to make though. Congrats to you for making a change for yourself and your family’s best interests! Hopefully I can do the same.
I can sooooo relate to that “crazy, fast-paced blur” feeling. Yes. Exactly. I want life to SLOW DOWN, and I want to simplify. Another woman (mnkauth) left a great comment on my Instagram feed to which you might relate. She resigned 8 months after her daughter was born and said, “I quit the best job I ever had for the only job I ever wanted.” (Tears!) I also loved a point caravenable’s made in a comment in this thread. Whatever you decide – it doesn’t have to be forever. Good luck to you as you sort it out, and best wishes on the arrival of #3!
As a longtime reader (and Badger alumni!), I have always loved your blog, particularly when talking about balancing work and motherhood. I am working mom of two, with a third on the way, and truly appreciate your honesty regarding your struggles and triumphs. So happy for this new phase in your life and can’t wait to hear how things go – sounds like a positive change for everyone so far!
Thank you so much, Sarah. Nobody ever said this parenting gig was smooth sailing, huh? Best wishes to you with the arrival of your third!
Thanks for sharing your journey. I think your new title is COO of All Things G&D.
Great idea, Bridget – I like it!
Love “I want how I spend my time to reflect what I value in life”!!! You deserve this xo
Thank you so much, Sarah!
Dusty, contrats on this huge decision. Good for you! Kate is so lucky to have such a dedicated mama. I’m not going to lie — I’m incredibly jealous. I wish my family were in a place in our lives that would allow me to stay home with our little girl. Maybe someday! Enjoy your time!
Thank you, Morgan. It’s a life change that came with sacrifices, but they’re worth it. I hope someday you’re able to have the fit that feels right for you and your little girl!!
YAY! Good for you! I agree, the time we have on earth is short and the time we have with our children is even shorter. I’m glad you were able to make the decision that best suited your needs for your family. God bless y’all!
Thank you so much, Caron!
Dusty, I’ve read your blog since long before Kate was a twinkle in your eye. You were my first blog – read while I was struggling with the boredom I encountered as a mostly stay at home mom. I’m so thrilled you have made this decision and applaud you for it! You are COO – of your family and your own life. You call the shots, sister and that is the best job in the world! I so relate to the struggle between ambition/calling/vocation and wanting to be home and be the best mom to your family. In my 10 years now in this parenting gig, I’ve learned that you can do everything you want, you just can’t do it all at the same time. I had a great career doing what I loved before my kids were born. I’ve been blessed with the ability to work a great mom job ( a PRN job in a hospital) where I get to set my schedule and often work shifts so that my kids don’t even realize I’m working. Its not a forever job, but it works for right now. I’m researching MBA programs – a total far cry from my liberal arts degrees obtained just down the road from you…. oh the journey life takes us on!
Blessings on all your Momdays now! Cheers!
Hi caravenable – thank you so much for your sweet comment and for following along all these years! What you wrote really resonated with me: “I’ve learned that you can do everything you want, you just can’t do it all at the same time.” LOVE that! You are absolutely right. I know I can dive back into a 9-5 any time I’d like – it’s not going anywhere (but my kiddo is)! A friend of mine (who has young 3 kids) is a PRN and is also sounds like such a great fit for a working mom. Congrats to you on finding that fit, and best wishes on your “never set in stone” journey!
Fellow WI alum here:) I also worked in non-profit for almost a decade. I too was offered the flexibility of a 4 day work week and it was the best of both worlds for me. I would have given my right arm to stay home full time though. I recently started working full time again and I regret it, but unfortunately our situation pretty much demands it. I will forever cherish our Fridays and am so excited for you to be able to be fully present for your family. Enjoy!
Hi Carmen, thank you so much for your comment. A 4-day work week really can be a game-changer. I hope you’re able to get yours back! It sounds like you’re doing what’s best for your family, which is never a wrong decision. Best wishes to you! (And Go Bucky!)
Beautifully written. The balance is so different for each of us as we balance home and family. I’ve been doing some writing on that as well. Enjoy!
Thank you so much, Michelle! That’s so true – the balance is different for each of us. (And changes over time as we do, too.)
You said everything I have been feeling since my 3 year old was born. I long to be able to stay home; it feels like my job keeps me from being the mom I want to be. Congrats on being able to stay home!!!
Thank you for the congrats, Amber, although I’m sorry to hear you can relate to how I’d been feeling over the past year. I know how hard it is! I hope you and your family are one day able to find the balance that feels best for you all. Big hugs to you, sweetie!
You have a real talent for writing genuine narratives that hit home to your readers. I enjoyed your post and also the comments. It’s refreshing to hear such support and honesty from others. I too expected to be a career woman and mother , yet gave up that idea a year after my son was born. I struggle with feeling the grass is always greener…but your “what’s the end game” question is great to put things into perspective. Congratulations on taking this next step for you and your family. You should feel proud of all you accomplished these past 4 years. Looking forward to seeing what opportunities await you next.
Thank you so much, Alison. Focusing on the “end game” is what really helped me put things in perspective, and I’m glad to hear you find it helpful, too! I blame G and the NFL Network for getting a sports analogy stuck in my head, haha.
Dear Dusty,
This is all very nice and well, but… There are bills to be paid, groceries to be bought, not to mention diapers and other kid-related stuff (I’m a mother of two – a year old and three year old). I would love to quit my job and spend quality time with the fam, but we simply need the additional income. How are you managing with your current financial situation?
Oh yes, we have bills, too, of course. I am still working and earning an income. The difference now is that I’m doing it at the times I choose, and from home – a shift that’s changed our lives for the better. I would have never quit my job if it had meant putting my family in a financially volatile situation.
Hi Dusty. I felt compelled to respond to your very timely post. Redundancy forced me into a new life 5 years ago and despite the passage of time, I still struggle with being “present”. Identifying and regularly recalling one’s ‘end game’ is a fabulous way of putting things into perspective, as well as helping to shut out society’s view of what we “should” be doing with our lives. Thank you so much for sharing your inspirational story. Sue x
Thank you, Sue! That’s such a great point about not worrying what society expects of us. There’s certainly plenty of that pressure to go around, but “society” doesn’t tuck our children in at night. Best wishes to you on your path toward your end game!
Wow, congrats! I’ve often wondered how you do it all (knowing all too well that every mom — and situation — is different). As a fairly new SAHM, I definitely could relate to a lot of this post. My job was great and worked really well for me…until it didn’t anymore and I found myself struggling to balance the me at my job and the me at home. They overlapped too much and I never felt like I was measuring up at either. So, now I stay home and have no regrets. Very, very exciting news for you!
Oh yes, I can certainly relate to that, sierra! I’ve probably said 5,276 times over the past year+ that “I’m doing a lot, but I’m not doing any of it well.” That’s insanely frustrating. I’m so happy to hear you’ve found the balance you’ve been looking for!
I read this post last week and this was me 100%. But not today.
I put my notice in at work today in order to stay home with my 10 month-old and almost-three year-old. It was hard because I like my job and love my company, but we are finally able to make this work so I had to do it. I’m nervous as hell about this new change, but I also feel such relief and immediate contentment about this decision. This is where I’m supposed to be now.
WOW SAM!! Congratulations to you!! I know how scary it can be, but don’t let that fear hold you back from the you you want to be. I’m so happy for you, Sam – congratulations!
I applaud you! I’m barely keeping my head above water with a 10 1/2 month old and a job that has become a little more demanding recently. My boss decided to sell her agency after 10 years and so I have a new owner etc. Some of the other co-workers decided to not stay on with the new company. While I find myself being completely stressed out at work day in and day out, I know it will get better. The new owner is amazing and his family comes first therefore they know how important it is with time with my little guy. But it doesn’t make the pull of staying home vs. working any easier.
We all have to do what works for our individual family and can I say, I’m not 1 bit surprised by this announcement. I’m so happy for you, for Kate, and for G! While this chapter of your life maybe a huge transition, it will be a worth it.
I can’t say that if I were in your shoes that I wouldn’t have left a long time ago. I don’t know what type of work you’ve always done but I can’t imagine it not being very demanding. While I go to work during the day, I only live 5 minutes from home and I get to leave my work at work. I don’t know if I could say that about working with a non for profit. I volunteer with a few groups and it seems as though even the volunteer side, you are always needing to be involved even when nothing is going on if that makes sense? So I can’t imagine the pull you had to have had trying to take care of work and still be present at home.
Anyways, I can’t say enough about how great this is! While I haven’t been able to keep up with blogs very much because I’ve been focused on work at work and then I go home and snuggle my little one every night, I’m so glad to have read this very awesome important update from you!! Congratulations congratulations congratulations!!!!! Can’t wait to continue to read about your life and your new adventures!
Thank you so much, Adinda! I wish you all the best with your work and home life during your transition. It’s great to hear your new boss values family time and flexibility – that’s so essential for working parents!! I hope things slow down for you soon and you’re able to get in some extra snuggle time with your little guy!
This is wonderful news, Dusty. I’m thrilled for you and your family.
jbhat
Thank you so much, jbhat!
Absolutely, Jen! The more, the merrier! I think we would definitely turn this into a lunch with chardonnay and with plenty of mom-conversation. It’s definitely a topic that we hold near and dear to our hearts. Hugs to you Jen, and back to you Dusty!
So true, Carla! We may need to rent out a
conference roomspa for the day for all of us moms in this boat!Hi. I am a novice mom. I have an adorable one year old son and I work full time. I share your pains. It really is frustrating to be working so hard (for your son) yet you don’t have enough time for him. At times, when work becomes so demanding I would hear him cry, “Mama, Mama” wanting to be with me. At the time when I am about to leave for work he would extend his arms toward me expecting that I would carry him and bring him with me.
After typhoon Haiayan swept off our town, life has become much more difficult. I couldn’t hire a househelp/ a nanny since people are too scared for another storm. This had me end up doing almost everything in the house (except for the laundry which my husband does).
Plus another dilemma is the husband and I has been scheduled to leave for post grad studies abroad and there is a big chance of leaving the little one behind. I am so troubled and confused.
I so envy you because you have finally decided which to choose.
P.S. Sorry for the long unsolicited story of my life