I received a Starbucks gift card as part of a birthday gift last week from my fabulous Seattle-living sister-in-law Lesley. I’ve never been to a Starbucks before and was very excited about experiencing my first time, which–after careful consideration and much soul-searching–I decided would be today.
It’s a gloomy Monday morning in Madison, WI and while driving to my nearest Starbucks I was quite proud of my decision to start the work week off with a delicious cup of gourmet coffee. As I parked my car near the green mermaid sign I grew increasingly smug with my Monday morning Starbucks coffee run and decided I should start off every Monday morning this way for the rest of the year.
I have been craving pumpkin-flavored anything for weeks now and at the top of my list was pumpkin-flavored coffee. I’d heard Starbucks had an amazing Pumpkin Spice Latte which I was really excited to try…until this past weekend when–while flipping through a health magazine–I came across one of those “you could enjoy this” (insert unhealthy option here) “or all of this” (insert 5x more food here, but make it all healthy; bonus points for organic) articles. I discovered I could enjoy 1 Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte OR for the same amount of calories and fat I could enjoy 1 regular cup of coffee, 2 slices of pumpkin pie, 6 organic bran muffins, a cup of yogurt with blueberries on top, half a turkey sandwich, a salad with fat-free vinaigrette dressing, and 72 candy corns.
As I walk up to the Starbucks counter, mentally trying to figure out how I can somehow negotiate enjoying a Pumpkin Spice Latte and 72 candy corns for breakfast, I begrudgingly ask the woman at the counter, “Do you have any pumpkin-flavored coffee?”
Her answer: No. But we do have a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Dammit.
Me: Could you tell me what exactly is in a latte?
She rattles off what makes a latte a latte and nowhere in her description do I heard the words skim, fat-free, low-fat, zero calorie, or organic.
Dammit again. I scan the menu of assorted caffeinated beverage options on the sign above me and–when I don’t recognize any of them–decide to just order blindly.
Me: I’ll just have a plain cup of coffee.
Her: What size?
Me: Large.
The collective gasp behind me, coupled with the counter lady’s look of confusion, reminds me what my years of pop culture education have taught me: We don’t speak English in Starbucks.
Total rookie mistake.
I attempt to recover by quickly adding, “Jumbo! Mucho! Grande!” but it’s too late. Before I know it, I’m dodging my next rapid-fire question:
Her: Rmfercreem?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Her: Duneedrmfercreem?
Me: Huh??
Her: Do. You. Need. Room. For. Cream?
Me: Oh! (I clear my throat, raise my chin, and reply with my last shred of dignity) Um…no. (ahem) No thank you.
And that’s when it hit me–losing my Starbucks virginity isn’t too far off from losing the real thing. You start out all smug and self-assured and end up all confused and wide-eyed looking for the nearest exit.
But wait–we’re not finished yet! At the beginning of my order the lady behind the counter had offered to add a little pumpkin-flavored syrup to my plain coffee to see if that would scratch my itch. I had happily accepted, “but not too much!” I told her. (Gotta save room for candy corn.) Now, as she handed me my Jumbo Plain Coffee with Not Too Much Pumpkin Syrup, I was fully aware she could tell this was my first time. She gave me my coffee and said with a smile, “If you don’t like this just bring it back and I’ll get you something different.”
Wait. Did I hear her right? Was I just given a satisfaction guarantee on this first time experience? An offer for a “take back” should I need one?
Where the hell was that years ago??
As I walked away–confidence slowly rebuilding now that I had a mermaid-emblazoned paper cup in my hand–I took a sip of my gourmet coffee and it was delicious. Thank you Starbucks! Thank you. Despite the confusion and self-doubt, I have to admit you treated me well and I’ll be back next Monday for Round 2. In the meantime, I promise to do some research and brush up on my coffee lingo. Because if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that practice makes perfect.
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Oh my… this is the funniest post I’ve read in a while. Thanks for brightening my gloomy Monday.
Why DO they speak a different language at Starbucks? I’ve never considered that….
ROFL watch out, you’ll be a Starbucks slut soon!!
Luckily I can work in an office where casually blurting out, “OMG she JUST lost her virginity?!” is not only acceptable, but a part of our daily conversation. Thanks for making me LOL – what I would have given for a satisfaction guarantee back then :). Enjoy your 72 candy corns!
First, thanks for posting this account. It made me smile.
Second, I can not believe you’ve never been to Starbucks!
Last, you can make the pumpkin spice latte lower in cals by requesting non-fat milk and no whipped cream.
This is why I’m glad my Starbucks has a drive-thru.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I never had Starbucks until I was in college. My husband, on the other hand, used to work at Starbucks and he couldn’t figure out how I had never had coffee. Now, I’m hooked and my wallet hates me.
Well you are not alone, I am coming out and admitting I am a Starbucks virgin too. In my defence, we don’t have Starbucks here.
But I’ll be sure and use all your do’s and dont’s before I even think of entering one.
I belive in learning from others mistakes, I wont live long enough to make them all myself.
Thanks for always entertaining us.
Careful, that stuff is like crack, and can I just say, It’d be cheaper to buy crack. Stoopid $5 coffees! And I get a tall!
Starbucks is crack for sure.
And, you can order a latte the healhy way by requesting either skim or soy milk, and sugar-free syrup. Unfortunately, I don’t think they have the Pumpking Spice in sugar free, but vanilla, hazelnut, cinnamon dulce, and others are available.
And, the easiest way to order a latte with skim milk and sugar free syrup is to ask for a “size” skinny “vanilla or other flavor” latte. If you do that, I think the venti (large) only has about 200 hundred calories.
Can you tell I love me some “4bucks” :).
Aww. Congrats on losing your virginity!
We stopped by Starbucks Sat to get a little caffeine kick start. Gotta love a cappuccino!
Definitely read up on how they make them bc you can alter them to make them a little less than a billion calories.
The pumpkin spice latte is worth the million calories it contains.
Congrats on lowing your virginity! :cheer
Dawn
Congrats on losing your Starbuck virginity.
I recommend the Cider-not coffee and probably bad for you, but great for fall!
People at work are staring at me wondering what is so funny about all the orange words on my screen. I have to run to the bathroom for a tissue b/c my mascara is running from crying from laughing! Thanks I needed this
I can’t tell you how hard I laughed while reading this post. You are hilarious!
lol — I totally saw that article too! assholes.
Once you learn the language they change it anyways…:rollseyes: AND it doesn’t translate to other coffee companies (that are oh so different :rollseyes:). Find your coffee shop and stick to it, no sense in looking like a fool all over town!
The article that said you could have a pumpkin spice latte or 1 regular cup of coffee, 2 slices of pumpkin pie, 6 organic bran muffins, a cup of yogurt with blueberries on top, half a turkey sandwich, a salad with fat-free vinaigrette dressing, and 72 candy corns.
I think it was in your Glamour
OMG Half–I just snort laughed reading your last comment: “The article that said you could have a pumpkin spice latte or 1 regular cup of coffee, 2 slices of pumpkin pie, 6 organic bran muffins…”
I was like WHAT?!?! OMG, an article actually said those specific foods?? I totally made those up!!
And then I realized you were just quoting ME but referencing the “eat this…or that” article. OMG, LMAO! This is what happens when you have too much caffeine!!
You just blew my mind! I can’t believe you’ve never been to Starbucks! That’s like you’ve never tasted water ;).
Glad you enjoyed.
Oh my word, you just made my day as well! Absolutely hilarious retelling of such a “private” moment! Hah!
Had to lol at 2 slices of pumpkin pie as well!
Too funny! You can order a tall skinny vanilla latte for only 80 calories- not bad at all. It’s sugar free syrup, skim milk and the small sized drink. I don’t think they make a sugar free pumpkin but the vanilla is pretty good, esp. for the calories.
wow. I can’t believe you’ve never been! I always get a Caramel Frappucino(frozen-like a slushie) or a hot or iced Caramel Macchiato.. It’s a really good, sweet coffee.. I recommend it! You’ll learn the language in no time, you’ll be going so much!
A large cup of coffee? Oh lord, you wouldn’t survive a morning out here in Seattle.
I am SO glad that I could aid in losing your Starbucks virginity!
— Lesley aka Grande Nonfat 2 Equal Sugar-free Vanilla Latte
*gasp* I can’t believe you still had your V-card w/ Starbucks! Call me easy, but my first time w/ Starbucks was when I was 15. *blush*
At least they were gentle w/ you =)
Can I say… I had no idea it was a mermaid on the Starbucks cup. So I learned something! Fabulous post.
So glad you all liked the post! And thanks for the tips on how to make it “skinny.” I will be trying them out next Monday during my second trip to Starbucks. I’m so excited!
This has nothing to do with Starkbucks but do you have any office pictures from the Parade of Homes? We just bought a new desk and now I need inspirational pictures to help pick paint and design the rest of the room.
OMG D you freaking crack me up!! I can’t believe you had never had Starbucks before! My tip…to make it as healthy as possible, get it non-fat and sugar free.
I never even noticed it was a mermaid! And don’t feel bad, I have been a Starbucks customer for years and I still slip up with the lingo.
Next week you have to order a SKINNY (that means skim/low fat) Pumpkin Spice Latte. You’ll be even more impressed by the mermaid cup in your hand!
don’t take this the wrong way, but i can’t even believe people like you still exist! in seattle, we literally have 2-3 starbucks on each block!
jessica–I don’t think I have any POH office pics, but I’ll double check and see!
persian–no offense taken! We only have a couple Starbucks in my city and they’re not anywhere convenient for me (until recently), which is why I’ve never been. But yeah, if I lived in Seattle I’m sure I’d be there 24/7.
OMG, that was hilarious. What a way with words. I just stumbled upon your blog from This Young House, and I cannot wait to troll through your archives. Because I’m sure that this is just the tip of the iceberg o’ fun.
jbhat
Try the skinny cinnamon dolce latte! Skim milk, sugar free syrup, no whipped cream. It’s perfect for fall (though I love it any time). You can also go on Starbucks’ website to get customized nutrition info for their drinks which is really helpful.
I’ve forgotten about the Skinny Cinnamon Dulce Latte – thank you so much for the reminder, Stacey! That will be my order on my next stop. Yum!