It’s no secret that I’m ridiculously scared of spiders. You may remember the incident a couple of years ago that had me standing along the side of the highway with a raging hangover and no bra? Well, it may come as a surprise to hear that wasn’t my first “spider in my car” crisis.
Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?
While waiting at a red light in the middle of town one evening, I spot something out of the corner of my eye. Looking to the right, I come face-to-face with a spider dangling from the ceiling of my car–just inches from my shoulder.
I scream and jump out of my car, killing the engine as I pop the clutch.
The stoplight turns green.
Some of you are familiar with my spider killing abilities. I just can’t do it. I immediately revert back to the 17th century and fall into my best “damsel in distress” role.
So there I was, standing outside my vehicle in the middle of a busy street, with cars beginning to line up behind me. Since I’d forgotten my corset at home, I was unfortunately not instantly recognized as the damsel in distress that I was and no one was coming to my rescue.
Time to take matters into my own hands.
As I walk up to the driver’s side door of the pick-up truck behind me and prepare to knock on their window, I curse myself for not at least having some pink on that day. Or lace. Or long flowy hair, tied with a ribbon. And maybe one of those big cone satin hat things…
Me (Damsel in Distress): “Excuse me. There’s a spider in my car. Would you mind killing it for me?”
Man (Unsuspecting Knight in Shining Armor Plaid): [blank stare]
Me [batting eyelashes]: Pleeeeeeease?
Man: Are you serious?
Me [wishing my black GAP tee looked more damsely]: Yes.
The light turns red.
The line of cars behind me continues to grow.
The man gets out of his truck and slowly walks to my car. He opens the door and I show him the spider. He looks in the backseat and selects my latest issue of Glamour magazine as his weapon of choice.
“NOOOOOO!!!!!” I scream. “I haven’t read that issue yet!” And trade him my Glamour for a roadmap of the State of Wisconsin.
The light turns green.
He kills the spider with what I believe was Milwaukee, and I request one last visual sweep of the premise before I relieve him of his knightly duties. The light turns red as I thank him for his assistance and he walks back to his 4-wheel drive steed.
I cautiously get in my car, wait for the light to turn green, and then continue on my way with zero shame as the street widens to four lanes and the cars I’ve been holding up for the last 10 minutes pass me by. Angry glares from impatient drivers have nothing on that 8 legged threat!
Besides—a true damsel makes no apologies for her distress.
This made me laugh out loud! Thanks!
I am scared of spiders too, so I might have done the exact same thing.
Maybe that dude was scared of spiders too, but then felt obligated to kill it because your puppy dog eyes forced him.
Thanks for the laugh. I so needed that!
That’s awesome.
You are so funny! Do you think somewhere out there your knight in plaid busts out this story to his friends? “One time this crazy girl in the car in front of me gets out and asks me to kill a spider! Ha ha hee hee ho ho!!!”
I totally had an encounter with a stink bug last week! Aren’t insects supposed to be dead this time of year, or something???
Glad you made it out alive. Bless the man in plaid 😉
LB
In our section of the desert (where we used to live), roaches are notorious for getting into totally clean and spotless homes in search of water. I once trapped one under a box because I was too petrified to do anything else. By the time my husband got home I was a nervous wreck!
I’ve been there and I share your pain sister!
You need to write a book!
I’m in 100% agreement with CampDallas, and thought to write that statment myself on your comment.
You are such a talented writer. <3
I’m stuck in bed on my 2_th birthday, sick and throwing up…and you just brightened my day with that story!
I love the part when you told him not to use your unread Glamour magazine. tee hee! We really are long lost best friends!
I feel ya girl, I’m SCARED to death of snakes!
Ha! That’s too funny
Oh my gosh….. this is hilarious!
Thanks for your comments everyone–glad I could get some laughs out of you! 😀
@Catherine–Oh yes, I have thought that many times, lol! I did him a service, really. He’s probably a good 5x more interesting now.
@LizzieBeth & Amber–I would have died. Eeek!!
@CampDouglas & Kelly Williams–Thanks girls. That is seriously so sweet of you to say. I’m so flattered!
@Carissa–Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well!
But happy to hear I could brighten your day. Happy Birthday!
Just managed to read this post… Had nearly the same thing happen to me, but my problem is moths, not spiders. Fluttered up from the dashboard and looked HUGE to me, so of course I screamed, stalled, and sat there frozen and unable to get out of the car. Guy behind me first annoyed, then came over himself, looked at me and the moth and said, “Do you need me to get that for you?” “Uh, yes please.” He didn’t say another word.
I just found your blog through ‘Mama Loves Papa’. Hilarious story! I have a funny spider-in-the-car story of my own, in which, upon seeing the spider on my window, I scooted my butt immediately onto the center console, sitting on my friend’s (the driver’s) hand and breaking her pinky. She had to wear a splint for weeks and sadly it was Day 1 of her staycation in which she had a long to do list planned, much of which she could no longer accomplish. I felt horrible!
@L–Hello and welcome! I’m sorry about your friend’s pinky, and I’m pretty sure your spider story blows mine out of the water, lol!
I have yet to encounter a spider in the car but I am pretty sure I swallowed one yesterday. I still feel like I have little legs crawling up my esophagus. BLECH.