I logged my first running miles of the year in March, and they felt incredible–so smooth and fluid that it was almost as if my feet forgot they’d rarely hit the pavement over the past year.
I’ve missed this.
That’s the thought I had as my legs settled into a steady rhythm and my lungs sucked in more fresh air in thirty minutes than they had in the previous three months combined.
The thing I love about running is the opportunity to think without that distracting urge to multitask. I run and I think–that’s it.
During this particular run I couldn’t help but reflect back on my path to motherhood. I remember the miles I logged thinking of nothing but my hope for getting pregnant, as if thought and sheer willpower alone might make it happen. I remember the thrill of running for the first time with the awareness that I was no longer running alone–I was carrying my child with me. I think of the miles I spent wondering if my baby would be a boy or a girl, followed by the overwhelming joy I felt once I knew I was a mother running with my daughter. I recall the more serious times–hours and miles spent mentally preparing myself for the challenge that is parenthood, and private promises made to Kate about the type of mother I would try to be. I remember the mornings I forced myself out of bed solely to continue providing Kate the health benefits I knew she received from our runs as I begrudgingly tugged my tech shirt over my bulging belly and stopped just short of asking G to tie my sneakers. I ran, and thought of nothing but my child, until my third trimester of pregnancy.
And then I stopped running…but continued thinking of nothing but my child.
I thought I would slide right back into running after Kate was born and I recovered from my c-section, but I found it incredibly difficult. She was too little for a jogging stroller and I couldn’t bear to be apart from her for any reason or for any length of time.
The precedent was set.
My first year of parenting was a full-on immersion into motherhood. I lived it, breathed it, and drank it all in. I found it ridiculously easy and gratifying to put Kate first and everything else a distant second. I wouldn’t say I lost myself in being a mom, but I certainly flirted with the idea. If “Focus Exclusively on Kate” was a foreign country, I was gearing up to apply for a permanent visa.
Now that Kate is a little older (and a lot more independent) I realize that not only does she need me less, but it’s better for her if I give her some space. I want to be a good mom, which sometimes means getting out of the way. I need to give her a chance to explore on her own. Be curious. Learn.
If my first year of parenting was a motherhood immersion, my hope is that my second year will be a year of learning balance. Allowing myself, for starters, to lace up my running shoes and hit the pavement again…even if it means walking out the door amidst sounds of laughter and playing coming from Kate and G in the living room.
It’s okay.
It’s good for me.
It’s good for them.
Trying to find that balance between wife, mother, and self is maybe the most challenging task I’ll face in life. How am I going to do this? Is it even possible? I honestly don’t know, but as I lace up my running shoes I take comfort in the fact that I’ve got five miles of thinking in front of me. Hopefully I figure it out.
You are such an amazing writer. I love this post so much. I know exactly what you mean about being away from her that first year. I feel the same way about Savannah–She is almost a year old and I am finally easing back into aerobics. It’s only an hour, but it’s an hour away from my baby and it took me a long time to realize that it’s good for both of us to have some time apart. For now, an hour is more than enough time!
This is something I wrestle with too, on a daily basis.. which is why I am happy I have found an outlet for myself at the gym. Aside from working out, I wont let myself even leave for an hour because I hate to miss anything!! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one…
I, too, recall the first time I ran knowing I wasn’t running alone. As I logged the miles, my mind wandered to future days, when my bump would show and the world would know the amazing secret I was keeping.
Remember, D, when you lace up and head out the door, you’re setting a wonderful example for your daughter about how to take care of herself – in a healthy way – as she grows. Mama, you rock!
I am 34 weeks pregnant and ran up until the 3rd trimester. I’ve been missing running SO much especially since we finally have decent weather in WI. I’m hoping to get back to running in the fall, but with a new baby and two jobs…I’m not sure if that is realistic.
My second child will be 9 months tomorrow. Just 3 weeks ago, I’ve allowed mysef to let go of the housework to go walk/jog at 10pm at night. That way I’m not missing much. The 6 year old is in bed at 8 and the 9 month old is in bed at 7. I’m still struggling to find the balance afer my kiddos. They of course come first! But it does feel good to have the space and fresh air to just breathe.
You go girl! As you wrote, taking care of yourself is also good for them. Even if I can’t fully understand the feeling you described, I really like this post. Have a nice run!
Thanks for that. My 3 month old already needs me a little less and your post helps me see its ok. Have fun running. I might need to start swimming more
Beautiful post! I struggle with the same thing myself — wanting to be with my baby constantly, and never putting myself first. I don’t run, but maybe I should start!
This is so true! It’s so hard to find that balance but you gotta try. I always find that if I don’t work out I feel even worse, at everything.
I feel ya. My girl is 22 months now (when do I stop counting baby’s age in months??), and I still don’t want to leave her. I usually take her along on my jogs–and have since last spring when she was big enough and the weather was nice enough. She loves to ride along, and I think it’s fun to take her. Every once in awhile, I leave her home with Daddy, so I can have a run to myself. But I find that I like her company while I’m running, so I like to bring her. She sings songs and tells me about the things she sees–in her sweet little baby voice and language. Makes the miles fly by without me noticing. And people out on the running paths are extra smiley and friendly to me when I have her along. :o)
If your jogging stroller doesn’t have a cup holder, I love this BooginHead SippiGrip thing to tether our sippy cup to the stroller, so baby doesn’t drop it. I sometimes use another one to tether a snack cup to the stroller too. Keeps baby happy! And I don’t have to keep stopping to pick up dropped things.
I know exactly how you feel, and I still struggle with this with my 2 year old daughter. Thank you for this post. It reminds me that taking “me” time is also one of the things that make me a great mom.
Our daughter is 16 months old. I know giving her a little more space is a good idea but it is so hard.
I can totally relate. Running is my happy place. After my daughter was born I also struggled with how much time to spend away from her. However, the more I ran the better I felt and the better mom I was for her. When she was nine months old, I ran a marathon. The training was tough to coordinate since I was nursing her but I balanced as best I could by running during her naps or taking her with me. If you don’t have a jogging stroller already you may want to consider getting one. Emily loves her rides around town. And she’s a good cheerleader – the faster I run the more she talks!
I am so attached at the hip with my almost 5-month-old… my husband totally thinks it’s overkill. I’m glad you were eventually able to find this happy medium and hope I will be able to as well
In an effort at balance (ha ha), I quit my gardening blog and started a new blog mostly just about Clara. Love for you to stop by sometime!
gibsonswafford.blogspot.com
PS – I have an amazing jogging stroller but haven’t run a single time since she was born – and it’s not really because she wasn’t big enough for the stroller until now. lol
I feel like I could have written this post myself. Well, not as eloquently as you but I too am struggling with the balancing act of motherhood and it’s a daily battle. My son Drew is a few months younger than Kate and finding that balance is something that I still am struggling with. I constantly find myself feeling guilty for wanting to take time to myself to exercise, or be away from him. Yet I know it’s good for both him and I. Like you said this past year has been an immersion and a learning experience. I guess my comment really has no point other than to say, you are not along, I too am in the same boat.
You are a wonderful mom, keep up the good work!
I love this post. I too, have been trying to give Brayden some space. I still feel guilty when I leave him behind to run a few errands, go shopping with a girlfriend, or go to a doctor appointment, but I know those experiences that he is having without me are benefiting him. I was just like you his first year- total immersion. If it didn’t include him or jive with his schedule, I was out. As we prepare for his little sister to arrive in October, I know that him being comfortable with others will come in handy, but I know he will always be my baby.
I love this post. I too, have been trying to give Brayden some space. I still feel guilty when I leave him behind to run a few errands, go shopping with a girlfriend, or go to a doctor appointment, but I know those experiences that he is having without me are benefiting him. I was just like you his first year- total immersion. If it didn’t include him or jive with his schedule, I was out. As we prepare for his little sister to arrive in October, I know that him being comfortable with others will come in handy, but I know he will always be my baby.
Hi! I think this is my first time commenting though I’ve been a reader for a long time now.
I love the way you write. And I love how similar your thoughts echo mine. You have me laughing out loud sometimes. Your older post about how motherhood touched you and surprised you by being the absolute BEST thing ever, really, really felt like you were in my head. This post is another one of those. I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself in my son, but I sure do identify with the “almost!”
I’m so glad for Kate that she has parents like you both. You’re doing a great job and you’re so real in the process of it all.
Thank you so much for your comments everyone. I know this is something most moms struggle with so I’m not surprised it struck a chord. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
@CampDallas–That’s such a great point about setting a healthy fitness example for Kate. I totally agree!
@Heather–That’s a great product recommendation, thank you!
@Lisa–A marathon at 9 months postpartum?! Wow, that’s incredible! Good for you, girl!
@R+M+Little Shmu–Such an incredibly sweet comment, thank you so much!
thank you so much for this because this is something I also struggle with constantly.
Thanks for this post. I have enjoyed reading all the comments to this. I am a full-time working mommy to 2 boys – 3 yrs and almost 2 and I STILL have not figured out how to work exercise into my daily life. I get up at 6 a.m. to get myself ready & get the kids to daycare before I commute to work. I get home at 6pm and do the whole dinner thing. I take the rest of the evening to get on the floor & play with them. I feel completely guilty taking any time for myself since I am away from them for such a huge chunk of the day. AND I’m not a morning person, so waking before 6 a.m. to fit in a run is out of the question. Am I making excuses or is anyone else in the same boat?
Wow, I’m finding this to be so true of my first year of motherhood also. My Katie is 6 1/2 months old and as much as I’m trying not to let myself and my entire life fall my the wayside, I’m finding it very difficult NOT to focus on her.
Within the last month, I’ve also started working out and my husband and I have a DATE planned for this weekend! I’m definitely starring this in my Google Reader, in hopes that it will remind me to continue to strive for that balance.