I have this knack for sabotaging myself.
Sabotaging my body, more specifically.
The morning of my wedding I gorged myself on a greasy “breakfast” from McDonalds – and I NEVER eat at McDonald’s! I gained at least 5 pounds during the week leading up to the commercial shoot I had with Oreck last summer – a commercial that I knew would air on television sets all across the country! I binge ate on anything salty, carby, or greasy I could find prior to my most recent photo shoot with The Tile Shop, stayed up way too late, and stopped exercising. The result? I stood in front of bright lights and a camera with love handles, a puffy face, and a horrible coldsore.
Most recently, I’ve been doing great at sticking with this year’s Whole Living Challenge, and staying on track for meeting my goals…and then I fell off the wagon.
Yesterday I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant with coworkers and gorged myself on greasy (but so damn delicious!) tortilla chips and salsa. At the end of the work day a co-worker invited me out for a beer, and even though I knew I shouldn’t have, I went. I had not one, but three beers. I resisted ordering greasy, fried bar food (even though I really wanted to!) but when I got home I made myself some homemade nachos, complete with chips, ground beef, cheese, and sour cream. An hour later I was laying on the couch, sick to my stomach, feeling groggy and tired.
Today we took Kate to a circus and I shoveled popcorn into my mouth by the fistfull…even though I had apple slices in my bag. Afterwards, we went to our neighbor’s house for their daughter’s birthday party and I scooped up a big plate of macaroni and cheese from Noodles & Co…even though there was a Challenge-friendly Asian chopped salad option also available. (For the record, I overate the hell out of that, too.) Then I had a couple of cookies, and a cupcake.
Not surprisingly, I felt awful when we got home, and even went upstairs to take a nap, even though I haven’t felt the need for a nap ever since I’ve started the Challenge. When I woke up, I still felt awful, fat, and sluggish…so then I ate some of the mini peanut butter cups I got for G for Valentine’s Day.
Did I say I fell off the wagon?
It was more like a flying leap with a beer in each hand, falling face-first and mouth wide open into a pit of grease and cheese and carbs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
By this evening I felt so sick and gross that even though I had zero motivation or energy, I peeled my bloated belly off the couch, brushed my teeth to get rid of the gross sugary taste in my mouth (I don’t even like sweets!), hit the gym, and ran.
When I run, I think, and here’s the conclusion I’ve come to:
I sabotage my body before big events (or before reaching my body-related goals) because I feel like I’m not worthy.
Who the hell am I to get nationwide press for this little blog about my life? Who am I to have this beautiful wedding to this amazing man who is so much better than I am?! Who am I to be a role model or an inspiration to thousands of readers who are trying to change their habits and eat healthier?! Did I really just ask for (and receive!) a $300 mixer for Christmas (that I love so much!) from G’s family (in-laws that are better than any girl could ever hope for!) while there are starving and homeless people in this world and children who had no gifts to open on Christmas morning, and will someone PLEASE PASS THE PLATE OF SUGAR COOKIES?!!
I feel unworthy.
And I take it out on my body by disrespecting it with too much food and alcohol, and not enough exercise. I strive to treat my body like a temple…until I’m struck with guilt about the treasures and joys I have in my life, and then I ask myself – either through conscious thought or unconscious action: Who am I to deserve to have a body that’s a temple?!
These were my thoughts as I ran on the treadmill and sweated cheese and chocolate through my pores this evening.
Changing these sabotaging actions starts with changing my thoughts, so I reflected on what I am trying hard to believe and came up with this:
I deserve to have a body that is strong, healthy, and beautiful, and that is treated with respect.
With each stride as I neared the end of my run, I drew strength and energy as I repeated my new mantra in my head:
I deserve to have a body that is strong.
I deserve to have a body that is healthy.
I deserve to have a body that is beautiful.
I deserve to have a body that is treated with respect.
We all do.
Today was a bad day, but tomorrow is a new one. I’m going to get back on that wagon, and try.