Back when I was pregnant and daydreaming about carefree afternoons breastfeeding our allergic-to-crying newborn while G massaged my feet and neighbors dropped off casseroles with the calories and onions already removed, I’d read all about how perfect breast milk was for your baby. “Nature’s food,” one book touted. “Perfectly designed by Mother Nature herself to provide your baby with absolutely everything she needs.”
That’s bullshit.
If that were true then my breast milk would come out thickened with rice starch and spiked with Ranitidine medication–both of which my poor reflux-suffering daughter needs.
A few weeks ago I posted about the significant feeding issues we’ve been having with Kate–primarily that she has reflux and has been rejecting my breast milk. At that time, I was still pumping in desperate hopes that we would be able to get her back on breast milk because FORMULA WAS NOT IN MY PLAN DAMMIT…but no such luck.
We’ve tried everything that I, Kate’s doctors, and Google, know to try and for some reason she is still refusing to take any bottles that have even a hint of breast milk in them. Kate even underwent a swallow study and upper GI evaluation a few weeks ago to rule out any medical reasons for these fussy feedings. The study confirmed her reflux but found no other issues that might explain the breast milk rejection.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have one finicky eater on our hands.
I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised considering her gene pool. Case in point, a few weeks ago I sent the following email to my friend Jill:
“I got a pound of turkey on Sunday, but it’s not the kind I like. I like the smoked stuff and I like it shaved. This is just plain and it’s in regular slices. I tried to eat it last night but couldn’t do it. Do you want it? Greg is out of town and I’d hate for it to go to waste.”
Gee, wonder where Kate gets it…
If you read my last post about Kate’s feeding issues, you’d know that not being able to breastfeed was something I really mourned, so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to make the decision to stop pumping and give in to the thought of our baby being exclusively formula fed. It wasn’t in my plan, it wasn’t what I wanted for Kate, and let’s be honest–I felt like I was letting down Jamie Oliver and his Food Revolution. (Giving our baby processed food right from the start?? Oh the horror!)
After a couple weeks of severely restricting my diet to rule out food I was consuming as being the contributing factor to Kate’s breast milk rejection, it was time for one last try. Weeks prior G had told me the “breast milk versus formula” decision was mine and he would support whatever I decided. He very smartly recognized that this was no longer a question of “Oh, what should we feed our daughter for breakfast?” like we toss back and forth if it’s too warm for her to wear pants. This was personal. It was between me and my breasts and my hormones and my image of motherhood. Rationality had long since left the building.
So, after a couple weeks of restricting my diet to nothing but oatmeal and tissue paper I was ready to give it one last PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS WORK shot. It was Friday afternoon and I said to G, “I’ll decide by the end of this weekend if I’m going to continue pumping or not.” I offered Kate a bottle that was four ounces of formula and one teeny-tiny little ounce of breast milk. Let’s start small and we’ll go from here, was my thought.
And she didn’t fuss!
Oh no, she didn’t fuss–she all-out SCREAMED HER HEAD OFF for over an hour, and what started out as a lovely afternoon quickly turned into one of the most difficult nights of Kate’s life. She was absolutely miserable and nothing we did seemed to console her. It was clear she was in so much discomfort, and even though we still didn’t know what it was, it was clear something in my breast milk was bothering her.
Later that night, after many apologies to my calmed child I held her tight and whispered, “Thank you for making this decision easy on me.” I thought it would take all weekend to decide but it was already clear to me what the right thing was for Kate. As much as I wanted her on a breast milk only diet, there was no way in hell I was going to put her through that again. The Mom Guilt was lifted and I knew without a doubt that the decision to stop pumping was the right one.
So I’m hanging “the girls” out to dry and donating my stockpile of frozen breast milk to a local milk bank where it will be used to nourish lots of little babies who need it. I feel really good about this decision because I do still believe that breast milk is best for most babies–just not my baby.
{{{HUGS}}} You are a great mom. I’m so glad you can move forward without guilt.
What a hard thing to deal with – but it sounds like you did everything perfectly in the end. That’s awesome that you can donate your milk!
I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. Thank you so much for posting this and reminding us that a plan doesn’t always work and instead you need to listen to your baby! I’m going to remind myself of this when our little one arrives this summer. Thank you so much for your honesty!
My daughter couldn’t take BM either, not that it mattered in the end because my “girls” didn’t want to work properly. Ended up being some kind of milk protien intolerance and she was and is now happy on a soy formula. I know how hard it is to “have” to give up breastfeeding but thats awesome that you donated!! You go girl.
Thank you for sharing your story. I too was unable to feed my daughter breast milk — and the mommy guilt has lingered. Your story has helped to remind me that I made the right decision for my child.
I’m a bit teery reading this, because that must have been so difficult (the guilt, the feedings, the crying, the indecision, etc.).
There are MANY MANY healthy, thriving, beautiful, allergy-free children (me included!) in this world who were not breastfed. While the media would like to guilt all moms into thinking it is a miracle food, it’s just not that simple. Thank GOD we live in a day and age when there are options for moms and babies who simply need to do something different.
Bravo, Mama, for letting go of the guilt and for letting Kate get what she really needs from you- just love.
Thanks for sharing your story with us, D. Best of luck to you and your little one!
Fortunately I was able to breastfeed, but I ‘closed up shop’ a few weeks ago when I went back to work (at 8 weeks postpartum)…and I still felt such immense guilt- like I was selfish and being a terrible mom because pumping wasn’t something that fit into my work day. I think the guilt around breastfeeding is universal! As women, we need to stop reading these baby books. They put these unrealistic ideals in our heads!
Great post, D. And I’m sorry that you’ve had this struggle. I’m a big breastfeeding advocate and I do believe breast is best, but when you’ve put so much effort in to being able to breastfeed and have tried everything (as you have) there should be no shame or guilt in giving your daughter formula so she can thrive. Hugs mama!!
Great story. Just know that this is one small bump in the bumpy road ahead called Motherhood. You did great and you are doing a great job. More wine!! Yeah!
I’m glad you wrote about this because this decision can be so difficult (even when Kate made the decision for you) and explaining it to other people can be hard too. I couldn’t breastfeed either (after 12 weeks of trying I gave up). When people asked if I breastfed and I said no, they judged before they found out why. I think we need to give each other a break!
http://ellencas1974.blogspot.com/
Brestfeeding didn’t work out for any of my three babies and the guilt was absolutely horrible… every time even though the first was the hardest by far. But they were always just so darn happy after eating formula. Full, content, happy- how could I deny them that? I’m so glad Kate made the decision easy for you.
Jennifer
One thing to keep telling yourself – formula is not poison! I weaned at 4 months and had the mommy guilt, but I can honestly say that Anna was a much happier baby, and, let’s be honest, I was a much happier mom. No need to worry about pumping every 3 hours, no need to ixnay the glass of wine or the jalapeno nachos – it was so liberating and wonderful.
You did a great job, mama. I’m very proud of you and <3 you so much!
you are right! It is totally bullshit that it is an easy task… mother nature and all, a lot of books and media can make you feel guilty if you don’t breastfeed, Not realistic!
Breastfeeding can be very difficult, either for a baby suffering from reflux or the mom not producing enough, I wasn’t able to breastfeed, I had to pump from the very beginning, and after nearly 10 weeks I got sick and my milk production went down to almost nothing… had to supplement with formula.
Let the guilt go and enjoy your happy baby, a happy mom makes a very happy little girl!
I tried breastfeeding too and I just didn’t make enough to feed my son. The guilt is overwhelming… You’ve done everything you can and now you’ve made the best decision for Kate. Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan! ((hugs))
I know exactly what you are going through! We had major supply issues but this was yet another battle I did not win!
Sometimes, when ppl ask me why i didn’t bf i want to make up some crazy story like my boob fell off and they had to reattach it but i just tell them, LONG story and you don’t wanna hear it, lol!
glad you can make peace w it, i know that is the hardest part! My lil guy it 7 months old and triving on formula!
How very rude for people to ask you why you didn’t bf! Your response should be, “none of your darn business!” Good grief, people can be appalling.
That would be tough. I can only imagine.
Unfortunately, I think we birth “mom guilt” as part of the afterbirth…
Thank you for writing this post.
Nursing my son was very important to me, but unfortunately – I became sick when he was four months old. My medication dried my supply, and from that time on, he was formula fed. It’s refreshing to see that I am not alone – our reasons for turning to formula vary, but they’re decisions made with our baby’s best interest in mind. Thank you for showing me that I was not alone!
I so relate to this, and even though everyone thought I was crazy to torture myself when bfeeding wasn’t working, it’s just something only us moms understand. Just know that Kate will never know the difference and now you get to look forward to fitting you girls into normal sized tops again! (do I hear an excuse to go shopping?!)
Hi D, I am sure it was such a hard decision no matter how easy it was on you. You are a great Mom and did the best you could. I am sure her happiness from here on out will take that Mommy guilt away little by little and you will look back on your decision with confidence. Have a good one!
Karen
It sounds like you did everything you could and made the best decision for your child! Good for you! I’m glad to hear you’ll be donating that milk. I lost about 500 ounces due to 3 freezer malfunctions and was crushed that I couldn’t give it to my son or donate it. All that time spent at that darn pump! I’m glad yours will go to very good use!
Good for you for being at peace with your decision. I’m sure it was very difficult. More kudos for donating your milk, it will surely be much appreciated.
Not that you want her to grow up any faster, but she’ll be off the formula before you know it and you can earn your Jamie Oliver points back by making your own baby food! It’s fun and easy and it gives you a chance to really control what she’s eating again.
When you’re ready, check out http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com
Good luck! A happy and healthy baby is what it’s all about!
Both of my girls inexplicably weaned at 6 months, even with all the tricks I tried. With my first, I cried and felt like the worst mother ever because this “completely natural” thing didn’t come so easily to me. Felt like such a failure! With the second, I knew better and just said, oh well! Babies thrive with breast and formula.
Kate’s a doll!
Both of my girls inexplicably weaned at 6 months, even with all the tricks I tried. With my first, I cried and felt like the worst mother ever because this “completely natural” thing didn’t come so easily to me. Felt like such a failure! With the second, I knew better and just said, oh well! Babies thrive with breast and formula.
Kate’s a doll!
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. You’re making smart informed choices for your little girl. Move forward with confidence!
I know that you’ve really struggled with this decision…good for you for finally being at peace with it. You’re right, her needs have to come first and you’re being a good Mom!
And extra kudos for donating the extra milk to a place that really needs it! That’s a great idea!
I worked my ass off to breastfeed my first daughter. When she wanted a bottle I pumped like a cow for months. Then I got diagnosed with breast cancer (at age 31 when baby was 5 mos old). Fortunately I made it through the chemo and double mastectomy that I elected to get for fear of this disease coming back. Fortunately I was able to go on and have a second child who was born three years after my diagnosis. I frequently mourn my breasts and cry that I can’t breastfeed her like all of the other moms out there. Then, once in a while, I read a post like yours and remember that breastfeeding is pretty miserable and scores of babies do JUST FINE on formula. In fact, many of them THRIVE. Plus, its wonderful to be able to go out for several hours at a time without having leaky breasts. My point is, I really really understand what you’re going through and I think you made the absolute best choice. I love it when people ask me why I am not breastfeeding because it gives me the chance to educate them that not everyone can and not everyone wants to – and that is OK!!! Big hugs to you and your darling little girl
Although the decision has already been made and you have probably already stopped pumping at this point, i wanted to see if you have explored that your express milk contains lipase and would be the reason for her rejection. This happened to a friend of mine and she had to scald the express milk to get the baby to take it. You can read more about it here
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/lipase-expressedmilk.html
I am glad you are at peace w/ your decision though – I still don’t have the courage to quit pumping – thanks for sharing!
Poor little thing. Even though I’m not a Mom, I feel your pain. I was visiting my best friend who just had a baby with the same refulx condition that Kate has. On top of that, she had a double ear infection. If she wasn’t being held AND rocked 24/7 she was screaming her head off. It was so exhausting. I’m glad she decided on the solution for you even though it wasn’t in your plan.
I’m all about the booby milk and don’t want to touch formula but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Poor girls (you and her!). Don’t feel like you ever need to defend your decision to anyone!
(Also going through some reflux stuff. It’s SUCKY!)
What a hard decision to make. I know the formula fed babies are just as happy as breast fed babies (my husband was formula fed) and Kate won’t even know any of this happened when she is older. You’re a great Mom for even trying in the first place!
We are doing breast feeding for Ethan now but we’ll see how long it lasts. He seems to change his mind daily on what he likes and doesn’t like these days.
I can totally relate to your situation and the guilt that comes along with using formula. I too had decided that formula was not going to be used in our house. I read plenty of breastfeeding books before our son was born and had even planned on taking a breastfeeding class (although didn’t make it because our son came two weeks early) in an effort to be fully prepared to breastfeed. I kept thinking that all those other women that couldn’t make breastfeeding work just didn’t try hard enough or didn’t stick it out long enough. That was NOT going to happen to me.
For 6 long months I struggled with breastfeeding and pumping all the while supplemented with formula until I just finally had to give up the fight. I had to finally accept the fact that I had done all I could possibly do to make breastfeeding work and that my son was going to be fine either way. In fact, I’m even starting to enjoy the benefits of NOT breastfeeding!!!
Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you all the best!
Wow, Dusty. My heart breaks for you and that moment – letting go and moving on. You are a wonderful mother and that’s all that matters.
My daughter was born 1/22 and she has reflux issues also. Those cries tear me up too! Luckily our meds help but I too would have done anything to stop them.
Kudos to you for making it almost 5 months!!! I only made it 3 months with my son but after I weaned him I felt like I had more of myself back (terrible thing to say I know).
Hello,
I love your blog and I really enjoy reading your posts. You have done such a great job with Kate. My son is turning one this month and I’ve been forunate enough to have had the abilty to breastfeed him for the year. However, I must tell you that I often feel guilt because I have never really enjoyed breastfeeding. It hurt extremely bad for the first month or so and he is sooo dependent on me (still). I am always the one to feed him at night and that is hard on me. Weaning has not been going well so far and I feel like now I’m going to get weird looks for breastfeeding him past one year (b/c people thing one’s the magic number for some reason)! I tried to give him formula but he won’t take it! My point is, that either way, things are hard and there will always be some reason for us moms to feel guilt! You have done such a GREAT job and Kate is lucky to have a mom like you!
Theresa
A BIG hug to you D! You are such a good Mommy. Take Care!!
I know it wasn’t in your plan, but you’re a better mama for spending so much time and effort to truly say you tried everything. Kate is one special lady to have a mommy who loves her that much. As for all the little children your stock pile will feed, well they’re lucky too. Good on you Dusty.
Take Care,
Lisa
Great decision, D! I got tears in my eyes knowing how hard it was to see Kate in pain from eating. You have to go with your gut and lucky for all the babies today, the formulas they have today are excellent!
Love ya!
Darlin, you do as you see fit for your baby. Never feel any guilt. Proud of you hun! Both my babies had formula after six months and they’re healthy as can be !
xoxo
Kate
As a failed breastfeeder myself (two times I tried with two different kids) I feel your pain. So glad you are able to donate your milk and that your mommy guilt is gone. I still deal with mine. Your daughter will be healthy and happy, Jamie Oliver be damned (but I do love him).
[standing ovation]
For making the right decision for you, and for donating your precious stockpile to other babies/mamas in need.
You are a great mom!
ITS. SO. HARD!
I know I felt like a failure when my girls stopped producing. It’s like you envision this is THE way it’s supposed to be and you can’t make it happen.
No worries though! Our babies will still be happy and healthy with ot without mommy’s milk.
Just look at all the support you’ve gotten via comments. Many of us have been there and made it through… as much as it sucks!
While I agree that breastfeeding is probably the “best” option, it’s not always what works in reality. So even though it didn’t work out, you gave it the ol’ college try (and then some!). I truly admire you for being willing to do what is best for Kate. It’s not about pleasing A N Y O N E else. It may seem like there are breastfeeding police lurking at every turn, but there are just not. Remember: you and only you are the one who can and should advocate for your child (okay, well, G should too). And thank goodness for fomula, right?
jbhat
I gave birth to my daughter 1 month ago and I know exactly what you are going through!!
Isla rejected my breast from day 1. She lost over a pound, the 2 days we were in the hospital. I was forced to supplement formula, to get her weight back up.
After 2 weeks of horrible attempts to get her to nurse off of me, I quit breast feeding and started pumping. By that time, I was only getting an ounce total. My Dr. prescribed me Reglan and an anti-depressant and things started to look up. I was getting up to 4 ounces. Then, I backtracked and am now quitting pumping because going back and forth made my baby miserable.
Isla also has reflux…like her momma…and we put her on Prilosec and I have never heard a baby scream like she did after getting her meds. Hours and hours of screaming, uncomfortableness. Therefore, we quit the Prilosec and found a very sensitive formula, that she seems to love.
Making a decision like this, that has such an impact on your baby, is very difficult. I’ve shed many tears over my choice, and worried about what people would think of my failed attempt. In the long run, both Isla and I are happier and I know I made the right choice when she sleeps peacefully and doesnt get tummy aches.
Best of luck to you! Hang in there…
I started to dry up after 6 months and I thought my heart would break. I felt like the worst mother EVER, but my daughter was perfectly healthy and continued to thrive on formula! You and your precious little one will, too! You sound like a terrific mom, and I very much enjoy your blog.
Kerri
Good luck with it all. I’m sure that seeing your daughter in pain was hard.
Think of the positive side. You are gaining 21+ hours(a week) back to yourself because you won’t be pumping anymore!
And …. pour yourself another glass of wine … without pumping and dumping. Whoo hoooo!
Take care, cd
I have the exact opposite problem. I’ve been breastfeeding my son for almost eight months, and I was ready to stop a few months ago when I returned to work. My son has a slight milk allergy (breastmilk doesn’t affect it), and none of the formulas we tried worked. He wouldn’t take any, and our doctor said that now that he’s had breastmilk, he won’t go back to formula. My boobs hurt so badly and are so sore. I am ready to have my body back. I am trying to hang in there for him, but it is really hard. I wish there was a happy medium for both you and me! Ah, the things we do for our little ones!
That is awesome that you were able to donate your pumped milk. And you went above and beyond in trying to breastfeed. I have a 3 month old and breastfed for a little while but soon realized that I wasn’t producing enough and was having to supplement with formula. Kate is precious and obviously her body knows what’s best for her.
Hey, we’re drying up together!
I gave bf’ing 4 weeks. That last week was supposed to be a growth spurt and I was prepared for the “cluster feeding” for 24-48 hours. Umm…yeah. By the end of the week, my daughter was feeding every 1 1/2 hours, fussing constantly, and I was so sore I couldn’t bear to have her latch on again. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I was desperate!
I gave in and used a bottle of formula, and I had a brand new baby. *She wasn’t getting enough to eat!* I thought I’d pump and supplement with formula, but I could only get 2 ounces at a time. One week later? I’m dried out.
If anyone would have told me my DD’s wouldn’t produce enough milk, I would have laughed in their face…
I’m glad you were able to figure out the answer to the fussiness, and you feel at peace with your feeding decision. Thank God we live in a day and age that has formula, right? It isn’t poison. It’s a blessing for babies with feeding issues!
I can totally relate to your breast feeding frustrations. I too had a hard time with my daughter. I almost drove myself crazy trying to get her to breastfeed. I was one of those mom’s who said “I will never give my child formula” but in the end I realized my child would benefit more from a mom who is happier than one who is crying all the time about not having my child be able to drink my milk. My daughter never had acid reflux but many of my friends’ children have. They have had amazing results with chiropractic. Here is some info on it.
http://www.zimbio.com/Natural+Alternative+Health+Therapies/articles/1485/Infants+Acid+Reflux+Colic+Helped+Chiropractic
Just remember in the end you are an amazing mom and you are doing the best for your child. Good luck!
Oh honey you poor thing. YOu’ve had such a tough time with this. I think you’ve made the right decision… there’s honestly nothing wrong with formula, and it’s soooo much better that you get to have a nice positive feeding experience with kate. I’m just so impressed that you perserved so long!! xoxo
I ache for you!!! i’m not going to lie, its a fear of mine that i wont be able to breatfeed according to my plan, but this helps me see a bigger picture. your daughter is beautiful and happy, which is more important than bottles of formula… [or cosmos
i kid] plus you really helped a lot of other babies!
I love the humor you bring to very real issues that other moms are dealing with. Thanks so much for sharing! I LOVE your blog!
Best advice my pediatrician ever gave me (he has 5 kids of his own) is that parents are not super-human. We do the best that we can and it sounds like you did that and then some.
Unfortunately, you’ll have lots more moments of mommy guilt through the years. I find that if I keep repeating my pediatrician’s advice, that pulls me through. Talking with my mom also helps. She’s got enough perspective to confirm that when you do the best you can, even if it’s not exactly what you wish you could do/would have done, the kids turn out just fine.
Hang in there. You’re doing great!
You guys are great. Thank you SO MUCH for all your wonderful comments, words of support, and for sharing some of your own stories with me. It really means so much to me. Thank you!!
You are awesome and your perpective is correct and wise. How wonderful that you are close to a milk bank.
My son is 10 weeks old and I’ve been having to supplement with formula for about a month or so. I’m just not making enough for him, despite my best efforts, drinking the tea, taking fenugreek, etc. I did feel really guilty at first too, but he is so much happier when he’s getting enough to eat! And once I got past the guilt, I am happier too since he’s not nursing every hour and actually sleeping! As moms, we have to learn not to be so hard on ourselves!
Do you have any groups or support in your area (except docs) for breast feeding? My friend in germany had almost the similiar situation, had even major depression in the same time. She had some helpers from La Leche Liga helping her with everything around baby and feeding every day or just talking with her. They were around the clock just one call away. Those are just some volunteers having own children and same experience already.
But your baby had first weeks your milk what is great! They are many moms needing some meds and not being able to breast feed at all!